the conclusion

three weeks ago my heart beat vehemently as i did twenty minutes of cardio.

any attempt at physical activity since then has been quickly averted.

however, this past friday i ran with two friends:

rudy (from here on out referred to as el segundo) and josh (no nickname, yet).

the mission:

two miles.

run one. walk the other.

don't forget to stretch.

the result:

being sore for three days straight.

a headache during the run.

and after the run.

did i mention being sore?

the conclusion:

i am out of shape.

big time.

so i need to move more. my niece refuses to be my running partner. i've accepted it. moved on. and suppose running alone is the right thing to do for now.

here are my plans:

run three days a week. two miles each time until i can completely run both. then we'll up it?

weights for my arms. five pounders please? some mini workout sessions from exercise tv. don't judge. and sit ups/crunches. the usual summer rush to get toned for that two piece. hah.

actually, two piece aside, the hard work it takes to make sure i treat my body right and stay healthy.

because this is far more important than that bikini.

almost: a story of a room in transition

my room is almost done.

a week ago i spent about five hours painting a floral-esque design on my wall. of course if it were not for my friend michael it would have not been done in five hours. maybe fifteen. but never five. oh! and after some purusing about ikea with the mother i decided on curtains which inspired said floral-esque design. and who can resist ikea's organizational boxes that make the messiest young lady seem put together? not i. especially when they provide the opportunity to label them.

take a peek:

the curtains. and 99 cent mustard colored ribbon. a steal.

insert thrift store chair (yet to be found) in empty space.

scale back a few feet. standing on my bed.

blank wall....

closeups

::drumroll::

the whole thing.

and some.

i.e. branches from behind my bed and vines from my ceiling.

oh!

and look at this two dollar frame. spray painted of course.

artistic, eh?

:P

things yet to be purchased:

bedding.

reading chair.

rug.

adieu!

stores that are notorious

i do love the endless possibilities for creativity when it comes to dressing oneself.

but i have not the money to indulge at any store, no matter how economical it may be.

yet, i find myself spending far too much money at stores that are notorious for emptying the money one has on them (and the money one wishes they had on them).

are they wonderfully delicious finds?

yes.

will i wear these pieces out like my only pair of black flats?

yes.

was it wise of me to buy these items?

yes. i mean no.

*slaps self on hand*

so i make a pact with myself and with you, dear blog:

i will not purchase any clothing items (accessories and shoes included)

until september.

i do need a white purse. and to fix the strap on my black one.

but corporate world who tells me i need these clothes to be someone?

i bid you farewell.

because my pocketbook cannot take another hit.

and what i wear, regardless the fantastic fit or precocious pattern, does not define me.

just saying.

unabashedly severed

it seems i have a fetish with words beginning with "u" that until now has gone undetected.

because all of my posts thus far for the month of june - the action packed three - have begun with the much loved "u."

you see, the "u"'s have ultimately usurped prospective blog titles from their unassuming counterparts, they have upstaged twenty five others and ushered in a new reign, they have unabashedly severed the umbilical cord of the immature and defenseless.

but with utmost sincerity they acknowledge their unacceptabe behavior and insatiable desire for power.

they will step down abdicating both throne and short-lived fame.

it is big of them to do that, you know. let others have their chance.

that is precisely why i love them so.

until we meet again, fair "u."

p.s.

i do love to personify anything and everything.

bad habit? perhaps. entertaining? slightly. :)

unsorted socks

dear children whose toes i will play "this little piggy..." with,

today i washed all of my clothes. and there wasn't one thing left in the dirty hamper! you probably don't believe me because normally i have dirty clothes in the hamper and on my floor. but i promise. i washed dark clothes. light clothes. white clothes. and even some blankets (that were quickly tucked away in the lovely linda).

i forgot to mention that i washed all the socks i could find.

there are six pairs of feet in this household.

enough said.

i decided that you will wear different brand socks than your sister(s) or brother(s). or i will mark whos are who with a permanent marker. because i still have unsorted socks in a bag. socks that have no match. patterned socks. colored socks. and far too many white socks. socks that are too small. or socks i've had for years. what do you do with old socks? do you give them away? throw them away? i do hope i've figured this out by now. but these are the inconsequential questions of a twenty year old. one day i will be full grown.

i just wrote to tell you that everything about you

(even the socks that you slip on)

is significant.

and aside from the cheesiness between each syllable, please do remember.

sincerely,

a young girl who is becoming cleaner each day for herself

unrecognizable

let us stop squinting our eyes and licking our pursed lips.

we are prostituting ourselves to the dead things.

those that do not speak. or hear. those that are dust.

comprised of flakes, miniscule particles of malicious mites.

blown off the windowsill by our anxious laughter.

there is no peace in this.

we have become unrecognizable. the truth is not in us.

prisoners to our illusory freedom.

with lashes curled we attempt to lure the affection of others.

adoration was never ours. we were loved poorly.

and rejection has twisted us out of alignment ever since.

but the breath of Love has been on our eyelids all along.

since the booming voice called out to the brooding darkness,

Love has been summoning us home.

utmost importance

before spring came and the sun conquered its bashfullness* i bought a new umbrella. the see through kind that look like bubble ufos.

exhibit a

my favorite part is that while my shoulders, labtop, purse, and face are perfectly protected, they are not veiled by my umbrella. this is beneficial for two reasons:

1. i can see where i am going. this is very important because i already tend to trip over myself as it is. walking is tricky sometimes.

2. i can smile at passerbys through my umbrella. this is of utmost importance.

enter umbrella metaphor:

they are particularly useful when it begins to sprinkle and you've done your hair just right. or you are holding prized possessions. but when it comes to His grace - His grace that is everywhere - they must be folded and put away lest we want to limit His grace from soaking our lives and heart. yes, our umbrellas will effectively keep His showers of goodness shut out. they will enable us to keep our distance from Him. but sometimes the brave (and wet) thing to do is to surrender to the refreshing rains of His grace. and become saturated, not withholding any part with our manmade mechnisms that protect our wounds and nurse our false selves.

this is of utmost importance.

* as of late june has been teasing the sun for its brightness saying things like "you are too yellow" or "no one appreciates your warmth." but with some coaxing i'm sure she will come out from behind her concrete walls.

write

it isn't quite summer until all days have been marinated in the southern california sun, which gives me the excuse and pleasure of going to sleep with oversized sweaters, school sweats, and fuzzy christmas socks. but soon enough it will be seventy plus every day and the beach will be a frequent destination (before i find a day job, of course). i must remind myself to wear sunscreen. even if the water is too cold. and the sky is cloudy. because, dear friends, my scalp is peeling. unattractive. quite.

however, my room will be done this summer.

i am determined to not waste the free time i have by just lounging. although, "just lounging" can be so beneficial. so facebook? you might be missing me every so often. but when i do see you it will be short and sweet. don't beat yourself over the head. it isn't you, it's me. cold case re-runs on tbs? dvr will ensure our meeting again.

isn't it time we write our resolutions on our hands and feet?

...

i would love to jump into this picture.

(blue skadoo, we can too)

ring any bells?^

indulgent: a story of a room in transition

i made the choice to redecorate my room last summer.

needless to say all i did was paint the walls and buy a few items that never made it out of the bag.

lack of motivation had a lot to do with it. but after going to a few thriftshops with my friend last week and seeing those items vamped up and displayed in his room within two days, i was shocked at my own slothfulness. school is out and i have yet to find a job.

so what exactly is holding me back?

oh, yes. the massive, pokey blob in my corner.

the mess that requires sorting through.

but it has been tackled (mostly).

and removed (rather relocated to opposite side of my room).

here are a few new additions:

meet linda.

colored pencils!

tissue paper, stationary, pastels, creative book of ideas, spray paint.

to add: box of old pictures and cards.

underneath this pull out "drawer" are blankets upon blankets filling the entire trunk.

did i mention she looked like this?

enter the xacto knife (cut out that dark brown tarp), sand paper, and a great friend:

victorious. isn't she a beaut?

oh and update on the oragami cranes?

here is that corner now:

the frames are all thrift store finds (one stinking dollar each!).

the wooden ones have been spray painted.

here are some close ups of the frames:

little prince trace. mothers days petals. bird prints.

pictures of romance. hymn.

pictures from books. bird print.

He is faithful. Costa Rican moolah.

bird print. book cover (two lines from a children's poem: "i want to write about things that aren't real. i want to write about floweres that talk"). He loves us. and a pullout from my nephews book. the messy room and stern finger and stubborn face could not be more true to my own experience.

...

that was a rather indulget post. my sincerest apologies.

but allow me one last picture as i am quite unsure what to do with this snippet of wall.

any ideas?

the best time

a few things on my to-do list:

.know the Father's voice better by abiding

.spend time with my niece and nephew before they move out

.draw, not because i am good but because it is good for me

.finish my bedroom (this encompasses a whole other list)

.improve my posture before i look like a wilted flower the rest of my life

.be deliberate about where my thoughts take me because the past can dictate what i do and how i feel if i allow it to

.write songs, even if no one will ever hear them

.run, and keep on running

.be frugal, not cheap

.stand firm in who i am created to be, even if it's strange or silly

.keep my room clean for more than three days

.stop being movtivated by fear and rejection

.readreadread

.invest in friendships

.get a job (preferably with kids!)

i'm sure there is more. but that is all i can think of.

summer is the best time to cross things off of a list.

hello again.

i am officially done with my sophmore year.

[what? really?]

and to celebrate i made and hung origami cranes.

[taken with phone]

hello, summer.

i've been meaning to officially re-introduce myself. it's been so long and so much has happened since we've last met. so hello again. i look forward to getting reacquainted.

gather my forces

my grandmother's cockatiel says hello and how are you.

he has been most kind in distracting me from my music theory composition.

[due tomorrow.]

ahhh, finals week. you are my evil nemesis.

and while i lack any substantial plans or tools to defeat you.

i will soon gather my forces.

and strike accordingly.

that is, if i ever get the motivation to start.

:)

pettiness

i wonder if they are skirting around the issues.

if they are conscientiously avoiding conversation.

and if all of their pettiness is a device to drive me away.

to drive honesty into fallow ground.

to fend off self-examination at the expense of friendships.

to settle for small-minded matters of trivial worth.

these are harmless of course.

the laughter is vacuous.

and the depth, my friends, is just not there.

instead:

let us distract ourselves and our counterparts with moving screens.

let us look at others with disdain and prove that we are entitled to

our position and our popularity.

let us expel the eccentric.

let us delight in exclusion.

i have steeled myself for this:

the community is deteriorating.

and no one is willing to do anything to save it.

misinformed

and while reflecting on "perks of being a wallflower" i resonate with the fact that we do really accept the love we think we deserve. what do I deserve? truthfully, in my fallen state nothing. but redeemed, i know there are plans and people for me. and while i affirm my own worth and value i am stuck. because my wants are contradictory and confusing. an unsolved puzzle. a hard math equation (think calculus). and i am weighing the pros and cons. and the advantages and disadvantages and possibilities and limitations are far too much for me to consider. but they are dominating my thoughts as of now. and i don't want to choose. and i'm afraid the things i've chosen thus far are [le sigh] misinformed by my lack of clarity. my choices affect others. will disappoint others. will give hope to others. and this is not good. because i may be messy but others do not deserve to be dragged through this mess i find myself in.

i want integrity to define my relationships. how i carry conversation and how i don't carry conversation. the subtle ways i smile and don't smile that send secret messages. who i choose to hang out with and how often i hang out with them.

but life is inconsistent.

and i am finding myself inconsistent.

and as much as i've convinced myself that i know what i want.

i don't.

sometimes i believe i am not fit for relationships.

my desire to be pursued is too strong.

it overwhelms my convictions.

it has overtaken my resolutions.

it dims the hallways of reason.

it darkens the basements of faith.

what a horrible, broken creature i can be.

in desperate need of marvelous light.

emptied soon enough

my room is a disaster but i've no intention of cleaning it until school is out.

(twenty-seven more days. eeks.)

life is so untidy. and hard to organize.

now, if only there were one big drawer to put all these oddities in.

these things

that if i were to be honest with myself

are just things i don't want to think about hard enough to deal with.

close the drawer. sigh.

and realize that the drawer must be emptied soon enough.

things must be sorted out. and you are the one that must do it.

with questions. and conversations.

what will life sorted out look like when all the questions are asked and the pros and cons are weighed and the lists are made and the fears are confronted?

[insert unknown result]

precisely.

hectic

can't wait until the first week of may when finals wrap up.

what is free time again? i seem to have forgotten.

taking a deep breath for the month of april.

hectic it shall be.

stronger than the shouldn'ts

i've a paper to write. this happens too many times.

i've not the motivation to write it.

i must. i must.

but dissecting a film is not what i care to do at this moment. i have a full day of school tomorrow: nine to nine. i would love to take the day off.

fact: i would really love to take the day off.

i shouldn't.

but sometimes our desire is stronger than the shouldn'ts. i've never missed a full tuesday before. one absense (two for some classes) can't hurt. i have done the readings. i score well on exams. i engage in thoughtful discussions during class. and i've been going nonstop since friday morning. and will continue going nonstop until choir tour is over*. rest is undoubtedly being neglected here, isn't it? i am an introvert. my energy comes from time alone spent rejuvinating. and as of late, i have had no time to re-anything.

ah, here i go rationalizing my desires. but, truthfully, the shouldn't(s) - this shouldn't, specifically - aren't as important as we make them. sometimes the better thing to do is shrug off the day. and do with it something less dreary. the paper will still need to be done. turned in by six at night. but not now. perhaps after a morning walk. and a bowl of crunchy grapes.

*departure? this friday. lots of performances. arrival home? in two sundays.

like a secret

i am beginning to believe that things are better this way. and that springtime really is as ravishing alone as it is with others. because flowers still bloom. and trees still grow. and the sky is the purest blue. the quiet nature in which everything changes is like a secret that everyone can see but no one can hear. soon school will be out and it will be summer again. but first there is choir tour. finals. notes. juries. papers. a few premature beach days (fingers crossed). yes, aloneness is not what many assume it to be. it neither equates loneliness nor boredom.

to be alone flings wide every window.

the fresh air cannot help but rush in.

loose fixtures will rattle. shake. maybe, crash towards the ground.

dust will billow and choke and upset allergies.

papers once neatly stacked, organized, and labeled will be in disarray.

but the stuffiness of life

- a fly who has ungraciously overstayed his welcome -

will be shooed out.

home

my heart always finds it way home to You.

the bully that it is

there is a seat in the library that i’ve managed to snatch from the lowliest of library dwellers. the couch is old. looks like it was constructed in the seventies or eighties. but it is oh so comfy. at least the left seat cushion is; it’s been worn in by many a rear end. and now has the privilege of meeting mine frequently.*
i've finally hit my groove this semester. yes, I am aware that it is almost half over. but i’m not waking up at five am anymore to finish papers due at 8 am. and i refuse to stay up late - rest is beneficial to my well-being and i refuse to forfeit a single hour to the books. if i can avoid doing so, i will. and one of the means i obtain more sleep is sleeping on campus. (thank you jackie's couch made bed. you could possibly be more comfortable than the left seat cushion in the library)because being a commuter isn't so bad. even if i've still only a hand full of friends (currently fluctuating. in limbo, if you will.). some would say this is timely. unhealthy dependence on the company of others is detrimental to my discovering who i am. the conversation and affirmation and attention i desire is natural. but not necessary. i might be walking relatively alone for an undefined amount of time. even though friends are hard to make. and keep. and share life with. especially when loneliness, the bully that it is, approaches you and tells you that you could never hold a friendship to begin with. and that this was expected. because you are, ultimately, unsuited for lasting relationships. thus, you are an undesirable. the one who is not sought out but ignored and uninvited. but at least i'm walking. and learning that these lies do not define me. and neither does my current situation of friendlessness. or something like that.
i am beloved by the Father. and i belong to the Most High.
His love makes this season worth it all.

*yesterday my fingers played hopscotch across my keyboard until 11:09. and the other students were apparitions whose minds had tired from laborious studying. having never been in the library past 9:30 pm, i misinterpreted the librarians several glances as disapproving scowls (i was now meandering through facebook) rather than prompts to leave because the library had been closed for approximately nine minutes. coming to my senses, as she turned out the lights in the hallway, i laughed a hardy laugh exclaiming i had no idea the library closes and proceeded through the double doors... to that comfy couch made bed. :)

so we can smell them everyday

dear children-who-i-will-jump-in-puddles-with,

when there are no cartoons on television and when there is nothing in particular to do i will wrap you up like a burrito in a blanket. and pretend like i'm going to eat you. my mom and dad used to do this to me. and i'm going to do it with you. i will cup my hand over your ear and my mouth and tell you secrets like i love you. or your eyes are like fireworks. or your smile is like ten million diamonds. i will help you climb trees even though i've never climbed one. i will teach you to ride a bike even though i'm still learning. i can rollerblade though. maybe we will start with that. we will explore every nook and cranny of parks, woods, and our backyard. no rock will be left unturned. we will pick flowers of different colors and we will breathe our deepest breath, pollen and all. we will let out a sigh of contentment and put said flowers in a vase on a table in our living room. so we can smell them everyday.
we will sing songs and dance for everyone to see. i will teach you to be unashamed. because fear won't look good on you like it never looked good on me. i can't wait until our laughter shakes the walls of our house. we will cry. and fight. and disagree. that is a given, considering that they are the norms of any healthy relationship. but our laughter will be the syrup that makes the illnesses of anger, bitterness, and plain ol' ugliness go away.


sincerely,

a twenty year old girl who has no excuse to be silly but insists that one must never take themselves too seriously.

laced like my fingers in Yours

i hand the glorious and the frightening,

the jubilant and the doleful over to You.

surrender is the call of the day. of every day. and every moment,

because the sweetest of wines and the richest of foods

cannot satisfy like You do.

because You are trustworthy.

and with You, i am safe, alive.

apart from You, i cannot do a thing.

i cannot speak. accomplish. invest.

i cannot breathe.

and this desperation is so real. my body aches with longing.

in Your rest, i retreat.

those wings, delicate and careful, are my hiding place:

where weeping and rejoicing are laced like my fingers in Yours.

You have always held my hand. it sounds silly. but it is true. when i was afraid of the dark and had nightmares that turned my flesh to stony dread. You accompanied me to my parents room; down the creaking hard stairs, the soles of my feet cold against tile. You nestled against me and lulled me to sleep with Your tenderness. You still do.

fear and worry cajole me into restlessness.

but You, my mighty Lord, settle the waters within.

shhh, be still.

psalms ninetythree.three,four

the seas have lifted up, o lord,

the seas have lifted up their voice;

the seas have lifted up their

pounding waves.

mightier than the

thunder of the great waters,

mightier than the

breakers of the sea-

the lord on high is mighty.

psalms sixtytwo.eight

trust in Him at all times, o people;

pour out your hearts to Him,

for God is our refuge.

selah.

oh so grateful

this past week was exhausting. literally exhausting.

two classes skipped. two meetings cancelled (not by me, thank you jesus).

but on my birthday i went to disneyland and cheesecake factory.

with these beautiful people.

who challenge me without trying.

who make me laugh on the inside. and outside.

(the former is harder)

who tell the truth, regardless how painful or freeing it might be.

who eat lunch and dinner with me - even though i am a commuter.

who drag me out of my hermitude into meaningful conversations and lasting friendships.

who have proven priceless to me over the past year or two.

and i am still oh so sore from walking.

but i am oh so grateful for them.

meet (from left to right): rudy, josh, little ol' me, and jackie.

aren't they great?

:)

proper thing

tomorrow is my birthday.
and i will be twenty.
alas, my teen years are over.

if only a willow tree was a proper thing to ask for.
because they are shady. and sacred. and they sing in the wind.

trinket and bauble

i am called to be free.

anything that

binds

chains

enslaves

isnt worth it anymore.

freedom is the love of Christ poured out: over, in, and around me.

freedom is trusting that love that is stronger than death.

freedom is returning to that love when the yoke of slavery doesn't seem so bad.

(after all, it's just some baggage. you weren't doing that bad before.)

i am called to be free. and it's scary.

there is a Treasure that surpasses every trinket and bauble we cling too.

a beautiful, never-gonna-leave-you, sort of treasure.

an everlasting Treasure that neither rusts nor decays.

and it is that Treasure, that is worth the surrender of my riches and relationships.

maybe it can't.

fact: freedom is scary.

it offers a sleu of possibilities. for you, for others. and these possibilities can tear apart the single thing you wish to keep, that treasure. and no matter how tattered and obsolete it has become, you wish to keep it. even if it means saying no to the freedom you need. because inside, you believe it can be whole and beneficial with time. maybe it can. but maybe it can't. you are left with maybes and possibilities. and the safest, least courageous thing to do is to keep this thing. this thing that is dear to you. this thing that has captured your attention. if you walk away freely, you allow this thing to walk away freely. and you may never be able to keep it or look on it again. and that is scary. this thing might find a better keeper. might be whole in the hands of another. might be beneficial to the life of another. and you will weep. and you will regret the day you chose to be free. because life without this thing is unbearable. you might be free. but you are alone. replaced. forgotten.

at least, that is what you fear.

sometimes, life is exceptionally difficult.

that makes it fiction.

dear you,

today was rainy outside. and my umbrella broke. my mother told me to use it anyways. we don't have the money for another, not right now. not for a while. so with wires bent out of shape i trudged along. no, i skipped along. because today it was rainy outside. and i love the rain. and you love the rain. remember when we were children? you would hop around the playground on one foot. you dared me to beat you. i never did. well, not fair and square. you were always a gentleman. even when you were ten. one day we were at the playground. and it began to pour. the kind of pouring when it hurts to be outside. to feel the tempestuous drops  that smack your face pink and tangle your hair so that it must be combed again. we hid underneath the big slide. and found a refuge that ive not known since. we were older then. into our teens. and we were sure that things would be as we wished. that we would go to the same schools. and eat lunch together always. you liked my moms peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. and i liked your dad's chocolate chip cookies. so we would trade. and we wanted to never stop trading. we were sure that things would be as we wished. the reality of your leaving to a different school never truly hit me. i would not let it. that you were far away. i would accept. but that you were creating a new life, without me. i would not. you were coming back. well, that was a dream. the finest dream i dreamt. i learned how to make my moms peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. i may be biased, but mine are better. i promise. and i promise i will make them for you everyday if you wish. because thats what you wished all along, right? 

this will be my last letter. if you don't respond, i understand. but i have a broken umbrella. and only you to share it with. and only you i want to share it with. we are grown-ups now and can't duck underneath big slides without a questionable glare darting our way. the truth is that you are too much for me to give up. and this truth mocks my naivete in trusting you, dreaming of a life together. and my unparalleled aloneness in losing you.

sincerely,

me

i wrote this just because. and it isn't factual. so that makes it fiction. i really had you going, huh? :)

live that way

forgive the nonsensical (but brief) ramble that is about to ensue in...

five.

four.

three.

two.

one.

sometimes things happen. ya know? and it makes us hold on tighter to our insecurities even though we know they are debilitating us - tearing apart our souls quite literally, stripping us of confidence and crippling us. fear. deeply rooted and bossy. it is so bossy. we are slaves to fear. fear of not being enough. fear of not being worthy. fear of failure. of never taming that temptation. of not knowing the certainties that give us temporal security. yea. that fear. fear that has no place in me. but that i allow to live in me nonetheless. yep. i just let it make eggs and bacon every morning. i let it sit on my couch and flip through the channels. i let it tag along wherever i go. how ridiculous. it has a list of arguments against me. and i bend my ear to this beastial creature, whose logic seems accurate. accurate and lethal. because i believe it. and operate out of fear rather than grace. i do not love effectively because i am concerned about past offenses and the what ifs that accompany them. i do not love effectively because my fear takes the shape of hellish insecurity. and my security in relationships. ministry. education. etc. is something i protect at all costs. even if it means not loving someone as a daughter and son of the Most High. ah but this security, these things i try and define myself with and by are ephemeral. this i know full well. i need to operate out of grace. and love others as they truly are: redeemed, forgiven and made alive and beautiful by transformative grace. life is crazy. legitimately crazy. but it will be interesting to see how everything will smooth out. how the water will look when it isn't agitated and quickened by our messiness. we are so messy. we are so messy. we mess up and lie. and hide. and gossip. and pretend. and criticize. and forget. and cheat. people are so messy. thank the lord he accepts our mess. even our messy prayers. and our messy songs to him. gosh! its great that he does that. he sifts through all the mess and knows us. and loves us. whoaaa. it's just who he is. it's his nature. and i am so thankful. death is defeated. every kind of death. words kill. they kill. anywhere in me that fear or lust or bitterness takes hold, death is present. it is in those areas that i've not allowed the marvelous light and life that Jesus has given me to penetrate. it is in those areas that i've not stood in the authority that Christ has given me, to say death where is they sting? fact: death is defeated.

and i need to live that way. and guard against any form of death that leeches onto the indestructable life i've been given through Christ. he has given me the keys to the kingdom. he has called me a co-heir and a conqueror. he has me seated in heavenly places. and he calls me his own, his daughter, his beloved. i need to live that way.

ps. i really love peonies. are they "in season"? is that even the right terminology? oh well. they are just so pretty.

dance party on my roof

i love driving in the rain. the jittery drivers i can do without. the spike in accidents isn't favorable, i admit. let's face it, most people can't drive in the rain.

but when it's raining really hard and i'm in traffic, i turn off my windshield wipers and wait until it gets blurry and the brake lights blur together. i only do that for a second because i don't want to contribute to those accidents. but i have a secret.* a child-sized smile spreads across my face each time i drive underneath an overpass and the sound of rain stops for a brief moment. and then it starts up again. it is ever so enchanting.

the rain is a million pixies having a dance party on my roof.

doing the mashed potato and the twist.

*i actually have two.** when i drive home late i don't use my gas pedal. the street is a shadow. the incandescent green lights wait. sometimes i go as slow as five miles per hour. and the whole world is silent.

**i lied. i have three. when i feel especially contemplative. or that the sun is setting on a day that i've not been "present" with others and myself. i deliberately drive behind a slow car or big eighteen wheeler. because i am training myself to live an unhurried, unanxious life. to decelerate my life in the hopes of living abudantly. to still the need to get ahead (in the quickest way possible). to enjoy traffic, because i am fully alive. to enjoy every mundane, ordinary thing, because i am fully alive. because they are not as mundane and ordinary as i think.

fact: only a handful of people knew all that. now all of blogdom (who deems this post worth reading) does. silly me. i do hope that all made sense.

pointless

school starts tomorrow.

what?

twenty units.

what?

so.

pretty much pointless post.

but.

i'm okay with that.

because.

i love school.

and.

i always have.

intend to follow

intentionality will characterize this new year, however formidable it may be. wantings and wishings aside. they are beautiful but they lack the purposed steps necessary.

i intend to follow Him.

with bright and fiery steps. with c0ld and hesitant steps. with steps that will draw me closer to His hands and feet in adoration and obedience. with steps that will draw me closer to His smile, exulting His generous outpouring of grace. with steps that will draw me closer to His eyes - those abysmal eyes, which are congnizant of my profoundest sorrow and delight. yes, those eyes that lovelovelove.

i intend to follow Him.

here and now, in this life that is tailor made to form me into His likeness. and instead of wishing i were this or that or them. i will get hold of my own life, this one He breathed into. for i will never meet God in someone elses life, regardless its glitter or glow. and those moments drenched with lament, that wretched wail in my belly, will be offered up to Him. for He can do with it more than i can. i will lean into the pain. the loneliness. the tears. and find Him there. always. though He may be silent and invisible to my eye, He is there. aha! and those moments explosive with irrepressible joy. yes, i will find Him undoubtedly jumping. laughing. singing. dancing. with me. always.

i intend to follow this King,

this Lover,

this Savior,

this Counselor,

this Friend,

this Creator,

this Father,

this God - the God, my God, my everything.