more aware

right now i am focusing on myself.

so dissatisfying.

headache inducing.

i am becoming more aware of my selfishness.

beyond cure.

normally falling asleep is easy. effortless.

the closing of my eyelids is my escape.

where i need not think or process the stuff that i ought to.

it is so difficult sometimes to discern what one is to do.

or to say.

the heart is deceitful above all things.

it is beyond cure. who can understand it?

and i mislead myself. all. the. time.

i have faults that i am not aware of.

my heart hides and disguises destruction so well.

but no one likes to discover their brokenness.

especially if they have convinced themselves that all was right and good.

and whole.

i hate that i cannot understand myself the way others understand themselves.

sometimes i am overwhelmed with pure assurance. sheer security.

but it is a vapor.

and i cry.

but most of the time i stop myself.

but right now i can't.

and it's this hollow unproductive sadness and disappointment.

with no resolution in sight.

it's just that i am so broken.

and don't even know where to start.

i am so glad He came. and i know He is present. and real. and alive.

and abounding in love and mercy.

but i don't even know where to start.

He comes with light.

and i desire an outbreak of this very light in my thinking.

in the movings of my heart.

to expose the things hid. the things quivering with fright.

that they would be made visible. so that my true nature i can see.

and so that this kind Savior, who remembers that i am dust, may quiet my stammering and stuttering anxieties with love. a love that i do not understand and feel unworthy to receive.

but he calls me beloved.

worth love.

i am so glad He came.

even though i am scared. and broken.

i am so glad He came.

because He makes all things new. and whole.

good news. good news.

this is my joy. my song in the night.

i am so glad He came.

dsjfao;wegprgj

my sister and her husband are here.

for ten days.

and i'm going to jesusculture conference in january.

dsjfao;wegjprgj

and today i am going christmas shopping.

it's a tad late but i don't have many people to shop for.

(the adults in my family pick names because there are just too many of us.)

annnddddd i'm feeling rather crafty as of late.

cutting up old books.

::gasp::

*

excitement!

*thank you google images.

ponies

[conditioner del caballo. i.e. horse conditioner]

[safe for human use]

[taken at:

my home with my ever so lovely mac

my church's music/media department's christmas get together]

my sister patty, who currently lives with me - along with her two wonderful children, buys shampoos, conditioners, body washes, lotions, perfumes, body sprays, etc. in excess.

i never understood the need for more than

one shampoo,

one conditioner

and one body wash.

plus it makes navigating in the shower dangerous for the clumsy and cumbersome.

i admit that i am both.

and that i've slipped on a bottle or two.

however,

i do benefit from her splurges.

not only do i not have to worry when one bottle runs out

but i also get to take pictures with them*.

:)

*especially when i have a sweater that happens to match them.

eeks!

i officially finished the fall semester of my junior year this past thursday.

this means time to be creative.

lots of adventures.

christmas get togethers.

family (specifically: my sister and her hubby coming down for a bit).

decorating.

loving on people.

just all around goodness!

cheers to a lovely fall semester.

and my sociology final that ushered in christmas break.

i am so thankful for

time, valuable time.

that escapes me all too quickly.

it is already eight:forty this tuesday night.

and the seconds are dying.

right.

now.

thank you lord for time.

give me grace and wisdom to use it as you desire,

because it's really not mine to begin with.