yes, life is feeling new.
but can i reiterate how newness is so scary.
because it might mean a complete uprooting. and what scares me the most is the possible death of another expectation. a new expectation. because i've been grieving and sifting through the loss of a previous expectation for quite some time now. i can't handle another one. you see, my expectations are linked to huge life things. (though, this might be the crux of the problem. putting things like marriage. ministry. career. all, simultaneously in one single expectation.)
but if i'm not meant to be there with those people. and i'm not to meant to be here with you - you, who have already established exclusively tight knitted relationships with others - then where do i belong? where does my connectedness begin?
and this is why i am so thankful i can put these words in my mouth.
and soon enough in my heart.
" my soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.
he alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, i will never be shaken.
...
find rest, o my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
he alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, i will not be shaken.
my salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
trust in him at all times, o people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
selah
...
one thing God has spoken,
two things have i heard:
that you, o God, are strong,
and that you, o lord, are loving."
psalm 62:1-2, 5-8, 11-12
p.s. i normally hate it when people skip around a passage of scripture, only picking out certain parts that they like. but these are just parts that stuck out to me. and they are true. firm foundations. a refuge built before i was conceived. a refuge waiting for me enter in.
