patient.

He is making me aware of areas i need to work on.

which means, i now have the responsibility to work on these areas.

but i don't want to.

oh well. He's here.

with me. patient.

He won't relent until He has all of me.

He is a jealous God. but He won't push Himself on us either.

so He waits.

as we distract ourselves and are stubborn. and are too broken to let go.

and are too scared to sit still.

i see myself in a field. playing with grass. unable to look into His eyes. fidgeting with plants. tying them together. pulling them out of their earthy homes. digging my fingers into the hill i sit on. but i see Him sitting there. waiting. silent. eyes that burn with love. passionate. they scare me. it scares me to be so loved. to be so unclothed and hideous. and beautiful. but dangerously self-destructive. in small ways. in quiet ways. He is looking on me. not turning His eyes to the left or to the right. He is looking at me. endlessly patient. but grieving my choice to hold on with white knuckles to my ways and thoughts. He waits for me to trust His transformative goodness. but it hurts to be made free. this i am sure of. but His love is sustaining. and healing. and sufficient. He is El-Shaddai. the one who is sufficient for all the needs of His people. and He calls me His. this promise is for me. because He is for me.

but i'm still in that field. not trusting yet. well, not completely.

and my eyes still cannot look at His for long.

so He waits.

and i am grateful.

sampled of summer

today i didn't wear a sweater or a cardigan.

today i wore pants, without leggings underneath.

today i sampled of summer beneath the leaves. and beneath the leaves, their transparent and waxy cuticles gleaming, were branches. strong branches and lovely branches. thick ones and thin ones. supporting the weighty beauty above. extending an infrastructure so intricate and purposeful. and so unseen. unless one lays beneath the leaves. and if i were to follow the black ants down the highways i would find an equally impressive organization of limbs underneath. the wonder we behold daily is bursting with the sacred.

today i am thinking of the anatomy of a tree.

and the importance of branches. roots. trunks.

uncannily similar

i've been sick for a week now. and i've decided, i don't like it one bit.

last time i was this sick, i was in seventh grade. for that i am thankful. that is about eight years of "not-so-bad" health with the random cold here or there.

that was the year i started shaving my legs. they weren't particularly hairy. but when i was younger, my sister (now dear friend) commented that i had werewolf legs. we were in the laundromat because we lived in apartments. and my feet didn't quite touch the groud yet because i was little. my shoe laces were dirty. and my face was pudgy. but i was so cute. chances are she was just becoming aware of her feminine attributes, her being five years older than me, and was making a quick, observational statement. no hurt feelings intended.

but in seventh grade it seemed important to shave my legs. my mother was staunchly against this. so like any pre-pubescent young lady i defied her and proceeded to watch dark sprouts cover my bare, naked legs over the next few days. but all of this is beside the point.

sometime that year we were studying sickness and the bodies response to it. and it was so ironic, studying viruses and bacteria for a week in bed. losing fifteen pounds. hating the way everything tasted. disappointed i wasn't in class taking notes. drinking gatorade.

it is the third week of this semester. and i am recovering. still. i have taken medicine everyday. and accidently took three times too much robitussin once. when you are awfully tired teaspoon and tablespoon look uncannily similar. and my mother drugged me so i could get a good nights sleep! i love her. but, my goodness, she is a criminal now. i've missed two days of school and one day of work. this is all necessary. the rest is necessary if i desire to be better. so i rest in Him. and am made whole by His peace. and am convicted by His love. and am drawn by His unique mercy and grace.

p.s. in seventh grade i got braces. i also got contacts. what a year.

p.s.s. though it wasn't so beautifully crafted, this post serves at an attempt to start blogging regularly again. and an attempt to put off homework for just fifteen more minutes. i am so good.

for days off

thankful for

my twenty (almost twenty one) year old body -

the miracle of ligaments and muscle fibers

and numberless blood cells rushing through veins and arteries.

the earth and seeds that take root,

vegetables and fruits that are harvested

by honest men in the heat of day

for a wage.

a mother who still stresses the importance of a clean room.

for martin luther king jr.

for dreams, big and small,

borne of the tension,

the tight space where truth is spoken about but not yet realized.

for days off when your body is sick.

today is such a beautiful day.

it's january and in the seventies.

only in southern california.

every detail is His joy

oh, to know my shepherds voice.

to know Your gentle leadership.

perfect in all its ways.

He takes the time to lead me. the high and lofty Yahweh guides me.

He never slumbers or sleeps. my failings do not make Him drowsy.

or bored. or fed up.

He watches over me, every detail is His joy.

there is no peace for a heart that is divided.

i choose complete obedience.

Your commandments sustain me.

you see what i don't see.

you know what i don't know.

good good shepherd.

and i will know the quiet waters and rich, green pastures.

and i will know restortation.

and i will be led in paths of righteousness for His names sake.

this is my confidence, this is the truth i feed on:

that You are faithful and good.

so ready

tonight at twelve i will be on my way to redding california. for a conference that i've been wanting to go to for three years now. those leading worship for the conference have accompanied me on my way to school. to work. they have helped me open wide my heart. they have given me words to the emotions that are hopelessly incommunicable. they have shown me what freedom looks like.

i am so ready for this year.

and for every obstacle and opportunity it presents.

it's gonna be so good.

:)