just saying.

i have so much to do. just saying.

monday:

school.

midterm.

conducting test.

work.

tuesday:

school.

midterm.

piano performance.

hillsong.

wednesday:

just a really long day.

really long.

thursday:

also a really long day.

school.

voice recital.

midterm.

work.

babysit.

friday:

school.

voice recital.

college group.

what?

let's just say i might call in tomorrow.

not even kidding.

rupturing

this morning i ran.

well, actually i walked and jogged.

i don't recall it completely. because as much as i tried to keep my mind stayed on one thing. any one thing. i couldn't. i struggle with being present, especially to myself, especially when life is shaky. some things i remember though, like the many greens rupturing from hard concrete and thick bark. the dull aches of tiredness and confusion. a woman in pajama pants riding a bike. heat radiating from my body. hundreds of cars filled with busy people whose faces i did not see but whose cars i heard. breathing in frosty air - icicles melting down my throat.

but i did it.

i may have cut through the grass at one point. tips of my adidas doused in morning dew.

but i said i would and i did.

::dance::

i am going to do this again.

look like

formed from dust.

made for glory.

what does that look like?

it begins.

this morning i could not find my keys.

i always lose my keys.

but it lead to a quiet morning.

i anticipate more quiet mornings.

and more quiet nights.

as i tuck myself into the shadow of Your wings.

passion borne not of human zeal or striving.

obedience fueled by love.

weak yes, after weak yes.

immersion in a river wide and deep.

a vastness i have never known.

this is what i anticipate.

i am not sure where my weak yes' will lead.

but right now it is leading to a realignment.

and a desire to hold still in Your presence and hold fast to Your truth.

assured You are not a Father who is turning me away or rejecting me.

did you know this is what i thought before?

i didn't even know i thought this.

but i did. and sometimes i still do.

You are not denying me.

You do not despise me.

i am broken. i am weak.

i have been pushing away Your love and forgiveness. i have been fighting Your grace and mercy. because i cannot accept something i did not earn. something i am not worthy of. i am a hard worker. and know the grade i deserve. i have been punishing myself, i have been disqualifying myself when You have done everything to open wide Your heart for me.

this is where it begins.

this is when it begins.

anchor

i am breathing in hope.

because it is an anchor for my soul.

most favorite class

it has been almost two weeks since i've been on here. i think about blogging. there are many things to write about and share. but one cannot rush a post. :)

i turned twenty-one on the third.

and came across this quote on meg fee's blog:

she was twenty-one, for God's sake. she must be allowed to grow up. by the time they were her age, most of the heroines of literature had lived, loved and even died...if she wanted to be a heroine, it was time to start behaving like one.
...robyn sisman

i must admit that while growing up provides opportunity to step into myself in greater measure, i find myself resisting. this birthday was different. today is different. friendships are not what they were. and i am resisting the reality of the change that has taken place.

i doubt i was ready for this. and as i sit in my most favorite class, i cannot help but reevaluate my movement towards this change. again. and again. not because it isn't good or beautiful. but because it is different. and requires development. and talking. and crying. lots of crying. and maybe even a complete shift in my involvement with places and people. i have been here, in this place for a while. i am adhering to my own desires, refusing to be moved. i am stubborn. and confused. and scared.

this could be self-sabotage.

and while it all seems very dramatic. (and it may be.)

it is oh so real.

avoiding

i am avoiding writing a reflective book response.

i have been for two hours.

not because i don't like the book. it was challenging. it was illuminating.

i am just not in the mood to write a paper.

thursday is my birthday. my twenty-first birthday.

and i still have school. an exam. and a performance test (piano).

and i still have work. the ones available to cover cannot.

i wish it were warmer outside. and the air were thicker. not so cough-inducing, because i still have a cough. i would sit outside. and maybe i would fall asleep.

how do we process all that we need to when we have papers to write?

time to write.

then sleep.