misinformed

and while reflecting on "perks of being a wallflower" i resonate with the fact that we do really accept the love we think we deserve. what do I deserve? truthfully, in my fallen state nothing. but redeemed, i know there are plans and people for me. and while i affirm my own worth and value i am stuck. because my wants are contradictory and confusing. an unsolved puzzle. a hard math equation (think calculus). and i am weighing the pros and cons. and the advantages and disadvantages and possibilities and limitations are far too much for me to consider. but they are dominating my thoughts as of now. and i don't want to choose. and i'm afraid the things i've chosen thus far are [le sigh] misinformed by my lack of clarity. my choices affect others. will disappoint others. will give hope to others. and this is not good. because i may be messy but others do not deserve to be dragged through this mess i find myself in.

i want integrity to define my relationships. how i carry conversation and how i don't carry conversation. the subtle ways i smile and don't smile that send secret messages. who i choose to hang out with and how often i hang out with them.

but life is inconsistent.

and i am finding myself inconsistent.

and as much as i've convinced myself that i know what i want.

i don't.

sometimes i believe i am not fit for relationships.

my desire to be pursued is too strong.

it overwhelms my convictions.

it has overtaken my resolutions.

it dims the hallways of reason.

it darkens the basements of faith.

what a horrible, broken creature i can be.

in desperate need of marvelous light.

emptied soon enough

my room is a disaster but i've no intention of cleaning it until school is out.

(twenty-seven more days. eeks.)

life is so untidy. and hard to organize.

now, if only there were one big drawer to put all these oddities in.

these things

that if i were to be honest with myself

are just things i don't want to think about hard enough to deal with.

close the drawer. sigh.

and realize that the drawer must be emptied soon enough.

things must be sorted out. and you are the one that must do it.

with questions. and conversations.

what will life sorted out look like when all the questions are asked and the pros and cons are weighed and the lists are made and the fears are confronted?

[insert unknown result]

precisely.