misinformed

and while reflecting on "perks of being a wallflower" i resonate with the fact that we do really accept the love we think we deserve. what do I deserve? truthfully, in my fallen state nothing. but redeemed, i know there are plans and people for me. and while i affirm my own worth and value i am stuck. because my wants are contradictory and confusing. an unsolved puzzle. a hard math equation (think calculus). and i am weighing the pros and cons. and the advantages and disadvantages and possibilities and limitations are far too much for me to consider. but they are dominating my thoughts as of now. and i don't want to choose. and i'm afraid the things i've chosen thus far are [le sigh] misinformed by my lack of clarity. my choices affect others. will disappoint others. will give hope to others. and this is not good. because i may be messy but others do not deserve to be dragged through this mess i find myself in.

i want integrity to define my relationships. how i carry conversation and how i don't carry conversation. the subtle ways i smile and don't smile that send secret messages. who i choose to hang out with and how often i hang out with them.

but life is inconsistent.

and i am finding myself inconsistent.

and as much as i've convinced myself that i know what i want.

i don't.

sometimes i believe i am not fit for relationships.

my desire to be pursued is too strong.

it overwhelms my convictions.

it has overtaken my resolutions.

it dims the hallways of reason.

it darkens the basements of faith.

what a horrible, broken creature i can be.

in desperate need of marvelous light.