hectic

can't wait until the first week of may when finals wrap up.

what is free time again? i seem to have forgotten.

taking a deep breath for the month of april.

hectic it shall be.

stronger than the shouldn'ts

i've a paper to write. this happens too many times.

i've not the motivation to write it.

i must. i must.

but dissecting a film is not what i care to do at this moment. i have a full day of school tomorrow: nine to nine. i would love to take the day off.

fact: i would really love to take the day off.

i shouldn't.

but sometimes our desire is stronger than the shouldn'ts. i've never missed a full tuesday before. one absense (two for some classes) can't hurt. i have done the readings. i score well on exams. i engage in thoughtful discussions during class. and i've been going nonstop since friday morning. and will continue going nonstop until choir tour is over*. rest is undoubtedly being neglected here, isn't it? i am an introvert. my energy comes from time alone spent rejuvinating. and as of late, i have had no time to re-anything.

ah, here i go rationalizing my desires. but, truthfully, the shouldn't(s) - this shouldn't, specifically - aren't as important as we make them. sometimes the better thing to do is shrug off the day. and do with it something less dreary. the paper will still need to be done. turned in by six at night. but not now. perhaps after a morning walk. and a bowl of crunchy grapes.

*departure? this friday. lots of performances. arrival home? in two sundays.

like a secret

i am beginning to believe that things are better this way. and that springtime really is as ravishing alone as it is with others. because flowers still bloom. and trees still grow. and the sky is the purest blue. the quiet nature in which everything changes is like a secret that everyone can see but no one can hear. soon school will be out and it will be summer again. but first there is choir tour. finals. notes. juries. papers. a few premature beach days (fingers crossed). yes, aloneness is not what many assume it to be. it neither equates loneliness nor boredom.

to be alone flings wide every window.

the fresh air cannot help but rush in.

loose fixtures will rattle. shake. maybe, crash towards the ground.

dust will billow and choke and upset allergies.

papers once neatly stacked, organized, and labeled will be in disarray.

but the stuffiness of life

- a fly who has ungraciously overstayed his welcome -

will be shooed out.

home

my heart always finds it way home to You.

the bully that it is

there is a seat in the library that i’ve managed to snatch from the lowliest of library dwellers. the couch is old. looks like it was constructed in the seventies or eighties. but it is oh so comfy. at least the left seat cushion is; it’s been worn in by many a rear end. and now has the privilege of meeting mine frequently.*
i've finally hit my groove this semester. yes, I am aware that it is almost half over. but i’m not waking up at five am anymore to finish papers due at 8 am. and i refuse to stay up late - rest is beneficial to my well-being and i refuse to forfeit a single hour to the books. if i can avoid doing so, i will. and one of the means i obtain more sleep is sleeping on campus. (thank you jackie's couch made bed. you could possibly be more comfortable than the left seat cushion in the library)because being a commuter isn't so bad. even if i've still only a hand full of friends (currently fluctuating. in limbo, if you will.). some would say this is timely. unhealthy dependence on the company of others is detrimental to my discovering who i am. the conversation and affirmation and attention i desire is natural. but not necessary. i might be walking relatively alone for an undefined amount of time. even though friends are hard to make. and keep. and share life with. especially when loneliness, the bully that it is, approaches you and tells you that you could never hold a friendship to begin with. and that this was expected. because you are, ultimately, unsuited for lasting relationships. thus, you are an undesirable. the one who is not sought out but ignored and uninvited. but at least i'm walking. and learning that these lies do not define me. and neither does my current situation of friendlessness. or something like that.
i am beloved by the Father. and i belong to the Most High.
His love makes this season worth it all.

*yesterday my fingers played hopscotch across my keyboard until 11:09. and the other students were apparitions whose minds had tired from laborious studying. having never been in the library past 9:30 pm, i misinterpreted the librarians several glances as disapproving scowls (i was now meandering through facebook) rather than prompts to leave because the library had been closed for approximately nine minutes. coming to my senses, as she turned out the lights in the hallway, i laughed a hardy laugh exclaiming i had no idea the library closes and proceeded through the double doors... to that comfy couch made bed. :)