maybe it can't.

fact: freedom is scary.

it offers a sleu of possibilities. for you, for others. and these possibilities can tear apart the single thing you wish to keep, that treasure. and no matter how tattered and obsolete it has become, you wish to keep it. even if it means saying no to the freedom you need. because inside, you believe it can be whole and beneficial with time. maybe it can. but maybe it can't. you are left with maybes and possibilities. and the safest, least courageous thing to do is to keep this thing. this thing that is dear to you. this thing that has captured your attention. if you walk away freely, you allow this thing to walk away freely. and you may never be able to keep it or look on it again. and that is scary. this thing might find a better keeper. might be whole in the hands of another. might be beneficial to the life of another. and you will weep. and you will regret the day you chose to be free. because life without this thing is unbearable. you might be free. but you are alone. replaced. forgotten.

at least, that is what you fear.

sometimes, life is exceptionally difficult.

that makes it fiction.

dear you,

today was rainy outside. and my umbrella broke. my mother told me to use it anyways. we don't have the money for another, not right now. not for a while. so with wires bent out of shape i trudged along. no, i skipped along. because today it was rainy outside. and i love the rain. and you love the rain. remember when we were children? you would hop around the playground on one foot. you dared me to beat you. i never did. well, not fair and square. you were always a gentleman. even when you were ten. one day we were at the playground. and it began to pour. the kind of pouring when it hurts to be outside. to feel the tempestuous drops  that smack your face pink and tangle your hair so that it must be combed again. we hid underneath the big slide. and found a refuge that ive not known since. we were older then. into our teens. and we were sure that things would be as we wished. that we would go to the same schools. and eat lunch together always. you liked my moms peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. and i liked your dad's chocolate chip cookies. so we would trade. and we wanted to never stop trading. we were sure that things would be as we wished. the reality of your leaving to a different school never truly hit me. i would not let it. that you were far away. i would accept. but that you were creating a new life, without me. i would not. you were coming back. well, that was a dream. the finest dream i dreamt. i learned how to make my moms peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. i may be biased, but mine are better. i promise. and i promise i will make them for you everyday if you wish. because thats what you wished all along, right? 

this will be my last letter. if you don't respond, i understand. but i have a broken umbrella. and only you to share it with. and only you i want to share it with. we are grown-ups now and can't duck underneath big slides without a questionable glare darting our way. the truth is that you are too much for me to give up. and this truth mocks my naivete in trusting you, dreaming of a life together. and my unparalleled aloneness in losing you.

sincerely,

me

i wrote this just because. and it isn't factual. so that makes it fiction. i really had you going, huh? :)

live that way

forgive the nonsensical (but brief) ramble that is about to ensue in...

five.

four.

three.

two.

one.

sometimes things happen. ya know? and it makes us hold on tighter to our insecurities even though we know they are debilitating us - tearing apart our souls quite literally, stripping us of confidence and crippling us. fear. deeply rooted and bossy. it is so bossy. we are slaves to fear. fear of not being enough. fear of not being worthy. fear of failure. of never taming that temptation. of not knowing the certainties that give us temporal security. yea. that fear. fear that has no place in me. but that i allow to live in me nonetheless. yep. i just let it make eggs and bacon every morning. i let it sit on my couch and flip through the channels. i let it tag along wherever i go. how ridiculous. it has a list of arguments against me. and i bend my ear to this beastial creature, whose logic seems accurate. accurate and lethal. because i believe it. and operate out of fear rather than grace. i do not love effectively because i am concerned about past offenses and the what ifs that accompany them. i do not love effectively because my fear takes the shape of hellish insecurity. and my security in relationships. ministry. education. etc. is something i protect at all costs. even if it means not loving someone as a daughter and son of the Most High. ah but this security, these things i try and define myself with and by are ephemeral. this i know full well. i need to operate out of grace. and love others as they truly are: redeemed, forgiven and made alive and beautiful by transformative grace. life is crazy. legitimately crazy. but it will be interesting to see how everything will smooth out. how the water will look when it isn't agitated and quickened by our messiness. we are so messy. we are so messy. we mess up and lie. and hide. and gossip. and pretend. and criticize. and forget. and cheat. people are so messy. thank the lord he accepts our mess. even our messy prayers. and our messy songs to him. gosh! its great that he does that. he sifts through all the mess and knows us. and loves us. whoaaa. it's just who he is. it's his nature. and i am so thankful. death is defeated. every kind of death. words kill. they kill. anywhere in me that fear or lust or bitterness takes hold, death is present. it is in those areas that i've not allowed the marvelous light and life that Jesus has given me to penetrate. it is in those areas that i've not stood in the authority that Christ has given me, to say death where is they sting? fact: death is defeated.

and i need to live that way. and guard against any form of death that leeches onto the indestructable life i've been given through Christ. he has given me the keys to the kingdom. he has called me a co-heir and a conqueror. he has me seated in heavenly places. and he calls me his own, his daughter, his beloved. i need to live that way.

ps. i really love peonies. are they "in season"? is that even the right terminology? oh well. they are just so pretty.

dance party on my roof

i love driving in the rain. the jittery drivers i can do without. the spike in accidents isn't favorable, i admit. let's face it, most people can't drive in the rain.

but when it's raining really hard and i'm in traffic, i turn off my windshield wipers and wait until it gets blurry and the brake lights blur together. i only do that for a second because i don't want to contribute to those accidents. but i have a secret.* a child-sized smile spreads across my face each time i drive underneath an overpass and the sound of rain stops for a brief moment. and then it starts up again. it is ever so enchanting.

the rain is a million pixies having a dance party on my roof.

doing the mashed potato and the twist.

*i actually have two.** when i drive home late i don't use my gas pedal. the street is a shadow. the incandescent green lights wait. sometimes i go as slow as five miles per hour. and the whole world is silent.

**i lied. i have three. when i feel especially contemplative. or that the sun is setting on a day that i've not been "present" with others and myself. i deliberately drive behind a slow car or big eighteen wheeler. because i am training myself to live an unhurried, unanxious life. to decelerate my life in the hopes of living abudantly. to still the need to get ahead (in the quickest way possible). to enjoy traffic, because i am fully alive. to enjoy every mundane, ordinary thing, because i am fully alive. because they are not as mundane and ordinary as i think.

fact: only a handful of people knew all that. now all of blogdom (who deems this post worth reading) does. silly me. i do hope that all made sense.

pointless

school starts tomorrow.

what?

twenty units.

what?

so.

pretty much pointless post.

but.

i'm okay with that.

because.

i love school.

and.

i always have.

intend to follow

intentionality will characterize this new year, however formidable it may be. wantings and wishings aside. they are beautiful but they lack the purposed steps necessary.

i intend to follow Him.

with bright and fiery steps. with c0ld and hesitant steps. with steps that will draw me closer to His hands and feet in adoration and obedience. with steps that will draw me closer to His smile, exulting His generous outpouring of grace. with steps that will draw me closer to His eyes - those abysmal eyes, which are congnizant of my profoundest sorrow and delight. yes, those eyes that lovelovelove.

i intend to follow Him.

here and now, in this life that is tailor made to form me into His likeness. and instead of wishing i were this or that or them. i will get hold of my own life, this one He breathed into. for i will never meet God in someone elses life, regardless its glitter or glow. and those moments drenched with lament, that wretched wail in my belly, will be offered up to Him. for He can do with it more than i can. i will lean into the pain. the loneliness. the tears. and find Him there. always. though He may be silent and invisible to my eye, He is there. aha! and those moments explosive with irrepressible joy. yes, i will find Him undoubtedly jumping. laughing. singing. dancing. with me. always.

i intend to follow this King,

this Lover,

this Savior,

this Counselor,

this Friend,

this Creator,

this Father,

this God - the God, my God, my everything.