live that way

forgive the nonsensical (but brief) ramble that is about to ensue in...

five.

four.

three.

two.

one.

sometimes things happen. ya know? and it makes us hold on tighter to our insecurities even though we know they are debilitating us - tearing apart our souls quite literally, stripping us of confidence and crippling us. fear. deeply rooted and bossy. it is so bossy. we are slaves to fear. fear of not being enough. fear of not being worthy. fear of failure. of never taming that temptation. of not knowing the certainties that give us temporal security. yea. that fear. fear that has no place in me. but that i allow to live in me nonetheless. yep. i just let it make eggs and bacon every morning. i let it sit on my couch and flip through the channels. i let it tag along wherever i go. how ridiculous. it has a list of arguments against me. and i bend my ear to this beastial creature, whose logic seems accurate. accurate and lethal. because i believe it. and operate out of fear rather than grace. i do not love effectively because i am concerned about past offenses and the what ifs that accompany them. i do not love effectively because my fear takes the shape of hellish insecurity. and my security in relationships. ministry. education. etc. is something i protect at all costs. even if it means not loving someone as a daughter and son of the Most High. ah but this security, these things i try and define myself with and by are ephemeral. this i know full well. i need to operate out of grace. and love others as they truly are: redeemed, forgiven and made alive and beautiful by transformative grace. life is crazy. legitimately crazy. but it will be interesting to see how everything will smooth out. how the water will look when it isn't agitated and quickened by our messiness. we are so messy. we are so messy. we mess up and lie. and hide. and gossip. and pretend. and criticize. and forget. and cheat. people are so messy. thank the lord he accepts our mess. even our messy prayers. and our messy songs to him. gosh! its great that he does that. he sifts through all the mess and knows us. and loves us. whoaaa. it's just who he is. it's his nature. and i am so thankful. death is defeated. every kind of death. words kill. they kill. anywhere in me that fear or lust or bitterness takes hold, death is present. it is in those areas that i've not allowed the marvelous light and life that Jesus has given me to penetrate. it is in those areas that i've not stood in the authority that Christ has given me, to say death where is they sting? fact: death is defeated.

and i need to live that way. and guard against any form of death that leeches onto the indestructable life i've been given through Christ. he has given me the keys to the kingdom. he has called me a co-heir and a conqueror. he has me seated in heavenly places. and he calls me his own, his daughter, his beloved. i need to live that way.

ps. i really love peonies. are they "in season"? is that even the right terminology? oh well. they are just so pretty.