unreality

“But God is present in reality no matter what unreality our practices and our ponderings i m p l y. He is forever trying to establish communication; forever aware of the wrong directions we are taking and wishing to warn us; forever offering solutions for the problems that baffle us; forever standing at the door of our loneliness, eager to bring us such comradeship as the most intelligent living mortal could not supply; forever clinging to our indifference in the hope that someday our needs, or at least our tagedies will waken us to respond to his advances. The Real Presence is just that, real and life transforming.”

-From The Captivating Presence by Albert Edward Day

this quote will be for now and the new year.

knowing stops there

winter lasted two weeks out here. the sun is promenading round the sky now, proud with triumph. there is chill breeze, but the suns heat can quench any chill. i've been in the snow twice. the first time doesn't really count because it was fake snow, renewed every four hours. i was in the mountains, but it wasn't really snow. the second time - or the first time? - was at a winter camp. (where i also lost my phone in the snow - one of my many phone mishaps) it was breathtaking. we almost got snowed in. the whole weekend i said "it's snowing," in awe, in reverence, in excitement. i said this often. and everyone responded the same way: "yes, we know." sometimes you know things so deep inside. you identify with them as true and real. sometimes you witness these things you know - how fortunate you are if this is the case. you see them. you touch them. but your knowing stops there. you fail to don the curiousity of an explorer and go beyond the vesture of knowing, into the infinitesimel wonder that lies behind and below and between. yes, it was snowing. but it was snowing. each time as startling and as divine as birth.

but i digress? heh, i do love saying that.

when it is cold enough, i slip into my fathers sock drawer and wear his socks to bed. because his are the warmest socks in the house. they go up to my knees and the space for my heel is inevitably by my ankle. they are big, but warm. i wish winter lasted longer out here. and was more than a heavy rain. if it were, i'd have to stash a great portion of his socks in my sock drawer. i think he'd be okay with that.

and christmas was wonderful. my family is crazy. and though i use that term loosely, some of my family members are quite foolish, bizarre, and mad. some of my family members are in desperate need of affection - unadultated generosity of love. and though they need it, they cannot receive it because their hearts are stiff with hurt. soften their hearts. we do our celebrating on christmas eve. and at twelve am precisely, we begin to open gifts. christmas day is reserved for lounging. we've mastered this. you would be foolish to challenge my siblings and nieces and nephews in this arena. they can out lounge any couch potatoe. and we eat tamales the following days (weeks?) until they are gone.

one day i will make tamales for my parents. first, i've got to learn how.

how good of Him

i am so glad that He came.

i am delivered. saved. freed. befriended. healed. adopted. redeemed. forgiven. beloved. made alive. made strong. made patient. made joyous. made compassionate. filled with grace.

because He came.

He came and expressed love unthinkable for me.

that is enough.

Rejoice, Rejoice

Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel

how good of Him to provide for us a way into His heart.

how good of Him to fling wide the gates of heaven.

how good of Him to invite us into the depths of His love unthinkable.

how good of Him to come.

just a habit

this year has been really really hard. le sigh. really hard. i'm not sure how things are supposed to look or feel anymore. and i love being sure. i'm really good at planning. the planner i bought was 13.99 at staples. it has birds on it, which won't help me be more organized. but anything with a bird or a flower print makes me weak in the knees - thus, the rather impulsive and indulgent purchase. i've got a knack for making lists. you see, i have this white board and a green-smells-like-mint expo thin tip marker. lists look so good on it (especially when they are all crossed off). but there's this problem now. besides crossing off little things like: deposit checks, fill out health insurance form, etc. i've no long term list for things like friendships or... well, we'll just leave it at that.

life is a free flowing river. and it's so scary to dip my toe in and back stroke in spontaneity. life is an uncharted forest. and it's so scary to venture forth and press through the thick unknown.

it's all so unknown.

yea. i used to have a pretty good grip on a lot of things. and now, i know that it wasn't a healthy sort of grip. it was a controlling-leave-no-room-for-what-He-has-in-mind kind of grip. what He has in mind is exceeds every dream or hope or desire i could ever think or imagine. even now, my hands instinctively clench onto people and things that i've no business clenching onto. but it's just a habit. that has got to be broken. that is being broken.

and, gosh, it's hard.

*this is sort of a repitition of what some of my other posts have said. it's just that this is where i am at right now, in this season. and i might be here for a while.

green again

finals are this week.

three papers due: two down, one to go.

aural theory exam: wednesday

voice jury: wednesday

music theory exam: thursday

i can do it.

the leaves are whirling 'round tenderly on the crisp breath of autumn.

they are dancing 'bout each other, a dance of sweet death. together they fall on cracked sidewalks where children will collect the reddest ones. where old women will listen for the crunch beneath their feet. the leaves will congregate and assemble in acceptance of their great fall. they will be tossed and blown about. soon enough they will be gone.

they know this.

the tree is barren because it is time for release and change.

this season will not highlight it's strength or beauty.

but it will make the tree both strong and beautiful.

it will be cold. it will be harsh.

the tree is barren because it is autumn and it will soon be winter.

but it will be green again.

it always turns green again.