just a habit

this year has been really really hard. le sigh. really hard. i'm not sure how things are supposed to look or feel anymore. and i love being sure. i'm really good at planning. the planner i bought was 13.99 at staples. it has birds on it, which won't help me be more organized. but anything with a bird or a flower print makes me weak in the knees - thus, the rather impulsive and indulgent purchase. i've got a knack for making lists. you see, i have this white board and a green-smells-like-mint expo thin tip marker. lists look so good on it (especially when they are all crossed off). but there's this problem now. besides crossing off little things like: deposit checks, fill out health insurance form, etc. i've no long term list for things like friendships or... well, we'll just leave it at that.

life is a free flowing river. and it's so scary to dip my toe in and back stroke in spontaneity. life is an uncharted forest. and it's so scary to venture forth and press through the thick unknown.

it's all so unknown.

yea. i used to have a pretty good grip on a lot of things. and now, i know that it wasn't a healthy sort of grip. it was a controlling-leave-no-room-for-what-He-has-in-mind kind of grip. what He has in mind is exceeds every dream or hope or desire i could ever think or imagine. even now, my hands instinctively clench onto people and things that i've no business clenching onto. but it's just a habit. that has got to be broken. that is being broken.

and, gosh, it's hard.

*this is sort of a repitition of what some of my other posts have said. it's just that this is where i am at right now, in this season. and i might be here for a while.