free to let go

i don't need to hold on anymore.

what? really?

that means this change is real.

and the past is the past.

and memories are memories.

good. bad. beautiful. ugly.

memories.

and goodbye is goodbye.

i don't need to hold on anymore.

this statement gives me permission to leave.

and all i needed was a nudge.

an okay.

to stop looking back anxiously.

to stop reaching back apprehensively.

this statement changes things.

and i have to remind myself of it.

i am free to let go.

trying.

i am sure.

and so unsure.

i am courageous.

and so afraid.

i am trying to understand the years.

i am trying to make sense of them.

i am trying to see things as they were.

not just as i wished or thought.

i am trying to see things as they were.

and am finding that we knew better.

but we didn't.

we offered what we had.

it was broken. it was desperate.

it was the product of loneliness and needing to be loved.

and so many other things.

horrible things.

smell. skin. taste. skin. feel. skin.

none of this was intimacy.

because nearness is more than skin and heavy breathing.

it was the only way we knew how to hold on.

and oh, we held on.

it was the only way we knew how to love.

i think.

how difficult this is to explain.

to come to terms with.

it makes me so so so sad.

i am telling the truth.

i am telling the truth

knowing it will lead me far from you.