on the inside.

thanksgiving was wonderful.

it is too much to describe.

but there was

time at the park with the feller and the nephews before everyone arrived.

jungle gym. slides. swings. football.

food. glorious food.

far too much food.

ham. mashed potatoes. carrots. pea salad. turkey. rolls. potato/cheese/unfrosted flakes/sour cream goodness. many cheeses mac n' cheese with bacon. cranberry sauce. stuffing. pumpkin pie. apple pie.

an unfitting dessert contest. unfitting because thanksgiving is about savory, creamy, warm foods. not decadent, luxurious chocolate. six entries. six chocolate entries. cake. pie. cookies. you name it. an unlikely winner. but not really because as much as mikey gets down on himself for not being all that great - we all know he really is that great.

seventeen people total.

new additions. additions that surprise us all. little children. (this means coloring and toys and paint and a reminder to be playful always.)

i love my family. we are loud. we are fun. we are crazy. and they are so worth sticking around for. they are worth my investment. and the way the feller interacts with them reminds me of this. to not escape the craziness of my family by becoming so preoccupied with my own life. oh yes, they are worth my time and appreciation.

and when everything wound down it was time to leave. and share thanksgiving with the feller's family. a car ride with tension. of course. some arguing and laughter. figuring things out. which is not about being right or wrong but learning eachother. i want to learn this young man and know the details. i want him to learn me and know the details.

a fancy home. fancy plates. white, square. less food. (not that i needed more). candles, glass tables, expensive decor the little one couldn't run around. a fire place. my head being scratched. step-grandparents who live luxuriously. the feller says it comes with age - their taste, that is. the view was jaw-dropping. san diego lit up. electricity running underneath the sidewalks and streets, running into homes and stores and stoplights. feeling that same electricity on the inside - joy and belonging.

driving home. the feller drinking a rockstar as i shook my head. we talked. it is good to share life with him. and play the "guess what?" game. it is my favorite. i never want to not play it. (i love double negatives.) i fell asleep and am thankful he didn't wake me.

and at the end of the day, tired.

coming home to family still at the table and in the living room.

but too tired to hang out much longer, knowing i would be sucked into staying up until four like the rest of them.

with thanks in my heart i went upstairs and slept.

as admitted by

i wear my boyfriends clothes.
and they look better on me.*

i am so down with shopping in the men's section.
and pairing said pieces with feminine ones.


today i am thankful for...

his good taste.
his strong opinions.
his eloquent speech.
his adventurous spirit.
the times he thinks he is funny.
the times he "lets me" borrow his clothes.

*as admitted by the feller himself
(including friends, strangers, family... the list goes on.)

rich.

today was rich.

rain.

rain.

rain.

choir concert. early but rested. two services. power outage. singing, still.

almost done painted living room. mom and dad (out of the bedroom and not watching tv). mikey and carolyn. working together. painting. laughing. (yesterday was a lot like this too. it's good to feel togetherness.)

sisters acting like sisters. the oldest standing up for me. and defending me. the other, always a joy. advice. more than a sister, a friend. brother-in-law and nephew and the feller playing modern warfare three (because they can).

belated burgers for moms birthday. laughs. so much joy. she's vibrant.

mini naps because i'm tired.

the feller and i doing homework. kisses. squeezes. being silly. we are professionals at this. bugging eachother on purpose. for the fun of it. because we take it light heartedly. doing homework. and succeeding! understanding eachother. learning eachother. him being close and a part. him fitting into this crazy crazy family.

me, being thankful. thankful.

and better at not fighting for my preferences, way, and "rights."

selflessness. consideration for others.

this is what living is like.

i feel like i'm living for the first time in a long while.

it is so so good.

and

saturdays are good news.

quiet light and easy silence.

trapped

i want to move away and start fresh.

these streets are too close.

the freeway. the parks. the stores.

i feel trapped by memories.

i want a life that has no reminders.

about anything i experienced prior to this past may.

and the moments of foolishness between then and now.

i want to forget forget forget the people and places.

and the pain they brought me.

the insecurity they engrained in me.

right now i do not care for the good things anymore.

they are overshadowed by the hurt.

what good is remembering when all i see and feel and experience now is aching?

what good is remembering when it leaves me so disorientated?

i can choose to not dwell on things.

and i have been. and will continue to.

i can choose to stay away from things and sources that will remind me.

but a familiar area will always be familiar area.

yes, i want to move away, need to, desperately.

let us

this song is a deep inhalation and a relaxed exhalation.

it gives me time to breathe.

let us become more aware of Your presence.

let us experience the glory of Your goodness.

yes.

because He is here.

and sometimes i don't notice.

yes.

because He is good.

and i forget that this moment is a product of it.

let love

sometimes letting love grow means saying no to things that
prohibit
stunt
terminate
growth.

i commit myself to this.
to saying no.
as often as growth requires.
because growth isn't as bad as i used to think.

today i am eager for growth.
and am thankful for the growth that has occurred.

handle the hiccups

sometimes i absent-mindedly overcommit myself.

this is what happens when i don't check my planner with shocking regularity.

one day i will learn. but until then i will stay up late and wake up early and maybe skip a class or two to write a paper because i chose to cover a morning shift tomorrow (leaving my last minute paper writing time slot somewhere down the toilet).

when i realized this i laughed.

laughed at how often i find myself in this situation.

laughed at the impossibility of a perfectly executed planned life.

laughed at how the unplanned things usurp power and control from the planned things. as well as the security and peace we derive (or should i say, i derive) from said planned things. (why do we insist on putting so much stock into our plans?)

this is a small, insignificant occurance.

the paper will get done.

the notes from my skipped classes will be retrieved.

the timecard will be stamped at six forty-five am.

i truly have nothing to worry about.

but how i handle this unexpected interference says much about how i handle the other larger, significant ones.

i want to handle the hiccups of life well.

this laughable moment makes me so appreciate the nap i took earlier.

i knew i would need it.

i've said too much

i haven't the chance to write something well thought out right now.

but i am thrilled for the next time i do.

is it strange that i am eagerly looking forward to forming sentences and working out ideas?

i am.

life has been good lately. good talks with friends and the feller and the counselor. some with tears on my end. but i do so enjoy a good cry. i register for my last semester of college tomorrow. what? how did that all happen so fast? i have two papers to write. my school load has been heavy. felt heavy. but i have made time to watch movies periodically. to occassionaly share hummus and lavash and carve pumpkins. to have impromptu sleep overs. to eat ice cream. to talk even when i'd rather be on vocal rest. because people are important. and all the details of my schoolwork will be accomplished. simple as that.

i need not be overwhelmed. i just must do what needs to be done, without distraction.

and be. i must be as often as possible.

my life depends on it.

the quality of my life depends on it.

and in that being i must laugh and cry and cherish cherish cherish those moments.

ah, i've said too much already.

time to type well into the evening.

p.s. i'm trying to listen to music that i wouldn't naturally go looking for. but i am disciplining myself to consider what effect different genres (of all sorts) might have on my appreciation for beauty, life, creativity, and excellence.

p.s.s. i could not find any appropriate picture for this blog entry. my sincerest apologies. (hah! as if i have to apologize. ::wink::)