the bully that it is

there is a seat in the library that i’ve managed to snatch from the lowliest of library dwellers. the couch is old. looks like it was constructed in the seventies or eighties. but it is oh so comfy. at least the left seat cushion is; it’s been worn in by many a rear end. and now has the privilege of meeting mine frequently.*
i've finally hit my groove this semester. yes, I am aware that it is almost half over. but i’m not waking up at five am anymore to finish papers due at 8 am. and i refuse to stay up late - rest is beneficial to my well-being and i refuse to forfeit a single hour to the books. if i can avoid doing so, i will. and one of the means i obtain more sleep is sleeping on campus. (thank you jackie's couch made bed. you could possibly be more comfortable than the left seat cushion in the library)because being a commuter isn't so bad. even if i've still only a hand full of friends (currently fluctuating. in limbo, if you will.). some would say this is timely. unhealthy dependence on the company of others is detrimental to my discovering who i am. the conversation and affirmation and attention i desire is natural. but not necessary. i might be walking relatively alone for an undefined amount of time. even though friends are hard to make. and keep. and share life with. especially when loneliness, the bully that it is, approaches you and tells you that you could never hold a friendship to begin with. and that this was expected. because you are, ultimately, unsuited for lasting relationships. thus, you are an undesirable. the one who is not sought out but ignored and uninvited. but at least i'm walking. and learning that these lies do not define me. and neither does my current situation of friendlessness. or something like that.
i am beloved by the Father. and i belong to the Most High.
His love makes this season worth it all.

*yesterday my fingers played hopscotch across my keyboard until 11:09. and the other students were apparitions whose minds had tired from laborious studying. having never been in the library past 9:30 pm, i misinterpreted the librarians several glances as disapproving scowls (i was now meandering through facebook) rather than prompts to leave because the library had been closed for approximately nine minutes. coming to my senses, as she turned out the lights in the hallway, i laughed a hardy laugh exclaiming i had no idea the library closes and proceeded through the double doors... to that comfy couch made bed. :)