, like a million other things.

friday i hurried to finish a blog so that i could reward myself with a bonfire. but as michael, jenny, and i drove onward towards the beach we realized that no one had reserved a pit. we all gasped silently. i gasped harder on the inside. a fiasco, i thought. spontaneity, i can handle, but unpreparedness and disorganization, i cannot. but, trust me, i'm working on it. michael ran two miles or more (barefoot, i might add, because sandals were detrimental to the urgency with which he ran) down the coast in search of a bonfire pit that the whole group might enjoy. i applaud him. he got blisters from the scorching pavement and did not complain. he was a a complete doll (i love that saying). he got in the water with me and thomas. and i felt like i was swimming in a reverie worthy of a queen. it was like a warm bath. and i just wanted my toes to get prune-y.

i'm not much of a socialite. this is something else i am working on. i won't play volleyball, which this group does. it is all they seem to do. all they want to do. endless games of twenty-one and then they just "bump it" to one another. astonishing. incredulous! and i applaud them for their sportsmanship, for their spirit of competition. for the way they "take one for the team." but i just can't do that. i won't. and it's childish, i am sure. i am sure that one makes friends by participating in things like volleyball. that these tiny moments add up and after months, possibly years, of volleyball at the beach, one is laughing with friends. hardcore friends. the sort that just know. but i am working on it, like a million other things.

and on the way home, my aching bones wanted to cry. i have no idea why. because i feel things deeply. things i cannot explain. things that overwhelm. and nothing can assuage that ache but His love. not even michael buble singing his hit "everything."

oh, how i need His love. daily.

how silly this seems

and in commemoration of the thirty-first of july, which marks the near end of summer and the near beginning of the school year, i will write a letter to my future children. regardless how silly this seems. or how little time i have to do so (since i must be ready for the beach at precisely two o' clock)

dear children-who-have-yet-to-be-born:

i will try and give you more than toys or video games. i will read to you every night. including the nine glorious months that you will be swimming in my body. i will expose you to beautiful operas and folk music. and i will teach you about geography and aviation. i hope that you will fall in love with learning. but that said learning will not keep you from doing and living. that thought will not be the iron chains that imprison you. but a desperate and urgent stirring within to climb trees and dive into the deep end of the pool. these things are important. but they are nothing compared to the incomparable God who i pray you will serve wholeheartedly. i know you will. you are bound to. :)

sincerely,

a girl who is only nineteen but still thinks of what your favorite color might be and if you will like comic books

it is time to make a sandwhich and get ready for the sun!

wish

i wish today was saturday so i could go to yard sales.

:)

magically appear

today i watered my backyard so that i could see rainbows magically appear. i spotted seven. and they reminded me of noah - the one who God remembered. and a smelly boat. and a rebellious people. and a corrupted earth. and a grieved Saviour. who thought it best to start over. who released the fountains of the deep. and all flesh ceased to brethe. except noah and his family and those smelly animals. and when the waters relinquished a covenant was established.

and i am reminded that His promises are concrete.

and that He is faithful.

and that His word is a sure thing.

and their affection, transient

He is the Eternal Lover. and He allows no competitors. not that any thing or person could compare to Him. but we are human. and are taken for fools. and are often tricked with ease. i have tasted of lovers. have forfeited my will to them. they are without flavor, mostly. their promises are ephemeral and their affection, transient. they are people. ideas. things. practices. worries that i have bent my knee to. their fraility and fickleness have taken hold of me. but there is a Love that breaks strongholds. and i am glad to lean on Him.

take it all

just give me jesus

i don't want any other lover

all my devotion belongs to this Man

that mislead and oftentimes betray

twenty-one days have gone by and i am more aware of my helplessness. and His power. and right now, i don't feel much different. but i refuse to be discouraged by notions. sensations. feelings. that mislead and oftentimes betray. i have resolved to commit myself to His counsel: transcendent and infinately above mine.

"for My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your

ways my ways," declares teh Lord. "As the heavens are

higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than

your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

isaiah 55:8-9

all days cannot be like today

i've been avoiding this blog for a few days now. just because i can't think of what i want to say. and i know it might be emotional vomit if i were to write it on a whim. however, i do not promise that this will be clear or coherent. i also do not promise that it will flow logically or chronologically. and i'd like to add that it might read like a mess. but it isn't really. i promise.

i'm trying to remember that all days cannot be like today: quiet, forgiving, energized, full of breath. and that one day i may not know you or your eyes. i may even forget your voice. and the two, literally two, friends i hold dearest may not be my friends forever. because that is how time is and how change goes. and the things i thought unforgettable may be hard to remember. may be things i leave out unintentionally. like my first shooting star. and poems. and fat and bones. the last one is an inside joke. and i'm trying to detach myself. i've tried this many times. because what if i am too attached and you leave. or i leave. it is better to be apart and alone sometimes. it is easier to stay in your room and do your work and not connect. and it hurts to be friends when you want more and have memories. and yesterday i got into a car accident because i didn't check my rearview mirror and see the car behind me. i didn't hear him honk or anything. there was a seventeen wheeler coming towards me sort of and i was concentrating on not hitting him. but i hit someone else. and it all worked out. but i found out i was afraid of my dad. not because he hits or shouts loudly. but because of the way he says things. it reminds me of childhood. and disappointment even when i tried my best. and i can't get away from that fear. it's really hard. the incessant combat with inadequacy. and the other day i wore this shirt because i wanted to feel beautiful. and even though i know that i am not bad looking, i felt the need to prove something. because some girls are very beautiful. even without makeup. and everyone thinks so and just does not say it. and i imagine that i am not that girl. and never will be. and when you say i am beautiful it feels real when i inhale. and then i need to prove it to you again. to myself. to the world. and i exhale and push. and strive. and sometimes i feel like it is too late to make friends. and that i have missed all my chances. and that to many laughs have connected you and yours. and i cannot laugh like you do. full. content. bursting. no, i worry about my voice and how it may sound breathy the next day. sometimes i try not to talk all morning and afternoon so that i won't get nodules again. and i breathe in steam every morning. and sometimes i try not to pray too loudly or i try not to cry. because crying causes swelling in the vocal folds. but i've been crying too much lately. and like charlie, in "the perks of being a wallflower" (is that how you cite books? ms. mooney would be disappointed), it is panicky and overwhelming and comes all at once. and the world spins. this morning i started that book. and this evening when the earthquake happened (even though i did not feel it) i finished that book. and it is one of my favorite books i think. i will reread it again when the leaves turn yellow, even though that is a cliche thing to say. but i do recommend the book to anybody reading this.

my fast ends soon. and it is easy to not think about food. and to hang out with people while they are eating. there's still so much that needs to happen before it ends. i just don't know how. this not knowing part is a detriment to my growth. and i just need to get over it. but my head is noisy and i'm still trying. i really am. but i remember someone said that we need to stop "working" so hard to get into His presence and just allow Him to rest on us. and there is this song by misty edwards called "garden" and she talks about fellowshiping with God and creating a place for Him to dwell within her. what does that look like? in that book i referenced earlier they say that some people use thought to not participate in life. and i think the noise in my head is preventing me from that. from participating in my God relationship and my people relationships.

::sigh::

i think this is the longest blog thus far. but tonight i'm gonna let Him rest on me. and tomorrow i will see Harry Potter with my nephew. and i will continue to seek Him. because He's worth it. and i need to know His love. personally. i really do need to.

far away

i am stuck. and don't know how to let go. surrender. worship. move on. move forward. and it's there is a deep desire within me to just turn around. quit. and not care about it anymore. anything. and i know i shouldn't. and i know i don't want to, really. that this is just another question thrown into the night sky. into His throneroom. and that He does hear me.

but i can't move beyond that right now. it seems impossible. it feels far away. and hopeless. and i wear myself out with tears and drown in sleep. where my exhaustion with others and myself matters not. where thought cannot provoke anger and frustration and worry. where things provoked cannot steal compassion and love. because that is my life right now. robbed by thoughts. unsettled. restless. inexorable. and i don't know how to make them slow down. stop.

resist

I can't resist Your tenderness.

flame upon my heart

"come be the fire inside of me

come be the flame upon my heart

come be the fire inside of me

until You and i are one"

.you wont relent.by.jesusculture.

"do not put out the Spirit's fire" NIV

"quench not the spirit" KJV

1 thessalonians 5:19

my desire to learn more is getting in the way. the lens is not focused on Him. and it's quenching the Spirit. because i want more than second hand revelation. or knowledge from commentaries. i want the fullness of the Spirit to consume me. refine me. ignite me. and i'm probing my brain for the hows and whens. and i'm thinking about it entirely too much.

until the warfare has ceased

the brownies are still on the counter. and my sense of smell is definately heightened right now. :) it seems foolish of my family to not have eaten them already. i could have eaten them in one sitting.

"finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.

put on the full armor of God so that you can take

your stand against the devil's schemes. for our

struggle is not against flesh and blood, but

against the rulers, authorities, powers

of this dark world and against the

spiritual forces of evil in the

heavenly realms..."

ephesians 6:10-12

He is the Almighty One. and has unlimited power. and He prepares and bestows us with armor. urging us to clothe ourselves with it until the warefare has ceased. the course is finished. and it is not just our human enemies or our carnal nature we struggle against. it's this hidden enemy who enamors unstable souls. and he will gain ground if we give way. if we distrust our armour. our cause. our God. i choose to girdle myself with truth. and fortify my heart with righteousness. i choose to obtain clear knowledge of the gospel that brings peace. to rely on the unseen for my defense and a covering. to guard my mind with His salvation. i choose to use the weapon He has given me. not my words or my thoughts. but His infallible, authoratative word. it will subdue my desires and answer my unbelief. my enemies are mighty but my God is the Almighty One. and He has unlimited power. whom then shall i fear?

is enough.

"man does not live on bread alone, but on every word

that comes from the mouth of God"

deuteronomy 8:3, matthew 4:4

today marked the first day of my fast.

and though there are freshly cooked brownies downstairs i am convinced that His word is enough. has always been enough. will always be enough. it's so good to know that. i'm ready for newness. He is washing over me with His love. and i'm just trying to receive it. to soak in it. the reality is, i can't receive a compliment from jo shmo at target. to think that the King of Kings desires to lavish His love on me... whoa! His love is healing. refreshing. quieting the craziness within. awakening a deep love for Him. not the hormonal sort of love. the sort that is kindled in heaven.

out of the loop

i realized that my whole life, i've never really been able to hang with the girls. never. except for one or two exceptional ladies, including my sister. always sort of out of the loop. awkward. quiet. trying a bit too hard. things haven't changed much. and maybe it's my fault.
it might be. probably.

matters of mischief

you have petals in your eyes, satin and bright: angular and rounded; deceitful like bad men with bad plans who smile big.

your capricious spirit is elusive and though you are untrustworthy, i wait for you to call. saccharine hellos and how are yous drift between unlimited expanses of city blocks and country hills and ocean waves. undulating rolling voice. you are far away and just a transmission of sound. technology is cold.

you are deliberate in matters of mischief. my pain was contrived from your first seduction. you are Puck's incarnate. i am beguiled. above all, i am in love with a liar.

this is short and not a real life thing. it should definately be longer. and there isn't much of a plot. buuuut. that could change.. maybe?

highly esteemed excavationists

the attic in my house has been a source of fascination for years now. my mother warned me not to go in there in third grade. so being afraid, i didn't. :) heh but the days are long and my nephew and i are often bored... thus we set up a ladder with nervous giggles, extended the swifer duster to it's full length, tied a flashlight to said duster and poked at the two by two entrance to the attic.

*enter hauting music*

we poked for twenty minutes, squealing each time it lifted and fell. finally, we mustered up the courage to stick our heads in only to find nothing. no boxes full of magazines or treasures left into our possession from past tenants. we were hoping their forgetfulness would be gracious. we envisioned ourselves as highly esteemed excavationists, discovering a new world of thought, a peer hole into the lives of other people. and we found insulation and pieces of wood. not to mention the unbearable heat that attacked any intruder. my nephew is still convinced that if i let him crawl into the attic he could find something. something grand.

the sidewalks will be mine

this is such a weird season for me; between dependence and independence. discovering, not on my own, who i am apart from [insert person or inanimate object or something one does]. and it's not appealing most of the time. and it hurts more often than not. and i'm not articulate enough at this moment to summarize how excruciatingly weird it is. maybe i'll be articulate tomorrow. :)

anywhooo. i've been filing papers for 8$/hr and am saving every penny.

and even though i miss the smell of new clothes, i know that other things are more important. like dancing before His throne. like actually thinking through things and writing daily. like walking the streets with no destination in mind. like paying off loans. like savoring fresh air. like conversations until two in the morning with sisters or bosom buddies.

like learning to ride a bike proficiently. which i will do this summer. and the sidewalks will be mine. :)

clouds

i don't have blinds or curtains for my 82 by 34.5 inch window in my room. i love the dancing shadows of trees and the moonglow that bathes my room each night. did i mention that i love the sky? i really do. i'm afraid i might get in an accident one day because i like to stare at the clouds. :) 

                                                                            

anyways. 

today,  i had entirely too much time on my hands. 10:08 am i woke up with hardly anything appealing on my to do list. and thus, i accomplished nothing. 

feeling the need to do something, i painted my cheeks with "breath of plum" (names for makeup are always so silly), curled my eyelashes and got dressed to drive around the historic area of my town in order to find some oober cool furniture thats sometimes on the sidewalk because people don't know the treasures they have. after 10-15 minutes of driving at a walking pace, i decided that walking would be be a better option, because my slow driving was an obstruction of traffic. people actually had jobs to be at and children to pick up. but i didn't want to walk and forgot to put on my vanilla chai deodorant. heh. sooooo, i turned around and went into a thrift store and then home with no purchases made and no furniture captured. 

i miss my healthy body. dayquil and nyquil officially fail. 

bright side of today?

i had a peach for breakfast, watched john and kate plus 8, and decided to leave my window open all day.

hooray for fresh air!

:)

unfeigned

it is the first of june.
i am currently reading "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius" by dave eggers and after completing page 211 of 437 have decided that the narrator is currently getting on my nerves. i need a break for a few days. i accompanied my dad to barnes and nobles where i bought "me talk pretty one day" by david sedaris and "the perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky. exciting? yes. :)
my dad has cataracts and his surgery is on the twenty-second of this month. today i took him to have a final examination. there were seven chairs, upholstered in a dull purple paisley print that was supposed to complement the grey and puple carpet.  paisley reminds me of tapered pickles. :) mr. rodriguez? he left me to my books for a solid hour and forty-five minutes. there was a man about my fathers age taking in his mother to get her glasses repaired. will that be me in forty years? maybe. 

there was this lady with the last name Lawrence who donned a maroon Cherokee sweater, slate grey sweats, and faded baby blue orthopedic shoes. her smile was unfeigned. she had a cane and her left hand shook and she was compelled to conquer kingdoms or sickness or the coming hour. she forgot her perscription on her last visit and is currently enrolled in a film class.  i long to be a lifelong student like she is. she enclosed to me what she considered confidential information: she owns four pairs of glasses and broke a pair just so she could buy new ones.

"some people like jewlery, i happen to like glasses."

:)

this game is more addicting than real life

today i've thought about television and videogames and how they have gradually replaced conversation in my home. when i grow up and do not live here my house will be different. miles away from this place. i want my living room to be a place where people live, not surrender to the images blinking on a flat screen for hours. it will be about relationships and not about what's recorded on the DVR and when can we watch it and i've only been on my wii for 4 hours and this game is more addicting than real life. i can't wait. because i'm over being negative about my house and the antics that take place in it. gum on the bathroom tile, really? ::sigh:: not worth it. fo reals. 

it's 2:54 and my mom is making rosemary lemon chicken. and i think i smell rice pilaf. i love rice pilaf. :)

right here.

the clouds have been singing the blues for a few days now. the tree outside my window has leaves that are dancing to that tune of gloom but the birds are still singing. :) and life is beautiful and God is here. Immanuel, right? at the time it was Christ, the God incarnate, walking and breathing and taking part in life among His people: reconciling the relationship. the death and resurrection of Christ seals the deal if we call Him Lord over our lives. 

"behold, a virgin will be with child and bear a son, 

and she will call His name Immanuel."

Isaiah 7:14

He is God with us. i forget that He is available twenty four seven: He is never too busy and He is never distant. we see it like that, well, because we don't see clearly. and most of the time we don't want to see clearly. we like our blurred vision and skewed eyesight because it works in favor of our fallen nature. a nature we are stuck to like glue. in the hush of our hearts, in that painstaking silence He is drawing near. already near. right here. it's beautiful how He is with us. how we can be with Him. dance. cry. sing. hurt. laugh. scream. clap. with Him.