all days cannot be like today

i've been avoiding this blog for a few days now. just because i can't think of what i want to say. and i know it might be emotional vomit if i were to write it on a whim. however, i do not promise that this will be clear or coherent. i also do not promise that it will flow logically or chronologically. and i'd like to add that it might read like a mess. but it isn't really. i promise.

i'm trying to remember that all days cannot be like today: quiet, forgiving, energized, full of breath. and that one day i may not know you or your eyes. i may even forget your voice. and the two, literally two, friends i hold dearest may not be my friends forever. because that is how time is and how change goes. and the things i thought unforgettable may be hard to remember. may be things i leave out unintentionally. like my first shooting star. and poems. and fat and bones. the last one is an inside joke. and i'm trying to detach myself. i've tried this many times. because what if i am too attached and you leave. or i leave. it is better to be apart and alone sometimes. it is easier to stay in your room and do your work and not connect. and it hurts to be friends when you want more and have memories. and yesterday i got into a car accident because i didn't check my rearview mirror and see the car behind me. i didn't hear him honk or anything. there was a seventeen wheeler coming towards me sort of and i was concentrating on not hitting him. but i hit someone else. and it all worked out. but i found out i was afraid of my dad. not because he hits or shouts loudly. but because of the way he says things. it reminds me of childhood. and disappointment even when i tried my best. and i can't get away from that fear. it's really hard. the incessant combat with inadequacy. and the other day i wore this shirt because i wanted to feel beautiful. and even though i know that i am not bad looking, i felt the need to prove something. because some girls are very beautiful. even without makeup. and everyone thinks so and just does not say it. and i imagine that i am not that girl. and never will be. and when you say i am beautiful it feels real when i inhale. and then i need to prove it to you again. to myself. to the world. and i exhale and push. and strive. and sometimes i feel like it is too late to make friends. and that i have missed all my chances. and that to many laughs have connected you and yours. and i cannot laugh like you do. full. content. bursting. no, i worry about my voice and how it may sound breathy the next day. sometimes i try not to talk all morning and afternoon so that i won't get nodules again. and i breathe in steam every morning. and sometimes i try not to pray too loudly or i try not to cry. because crying causes swelling in the vocal folds. but i've been crying too much lately. and like charlie, in "the perks of being a wallflower" (is that how you cite books? ms. mooney would be disappointed), it is panicky and overwhelming and comes all at once. and the world spins. this morning i started that book. and this evening when the earthquake happened (even though i did not feel it) i finished that book. and it is one of my favorite books i think. i will reread it again when the leaves turn yellow, even though that is a cliche thing to say. but i do recommend the book to anybody reading this.

my fast ends soon. and it is easy to not think about food. and to hang out with people while they are eating. there's still so much that needs to happen before it ends. i just don't know how. this not knowing part is a detriment to my growth. and i just need to get over it. but my head is noisy and i'm still trying. i really am. but i remember someone said that we need to stop "working" so hard to get into His presence and just allow Him to rest on us. and there is this song by misty edwards called "garden" and she talks about fellowshiping with God and creating a place for Him to dwell within her. what does that look like? in that book i referenced earlier they say that some people use thought to not participate in life. and i think the noise in my head is preventing me from that. from participating in my God relationship and my people relationships.

::sigh::

i think this is the longest blog thus far. but tonight i'm gonna let Him rest on me. and tomorrow i will see Harry Potter with my nephew. and i will continue to seek Him. because He's worth it. and i need to know His love. personally. i really do need to.