today

today the tomb was still sealed.
today people's voice were hoarse -
their flawed accusations and murderous shouts still ringing.
today the city was filled with reminders of you.
the earth fractured. the temple split.
today people had forgotten your promise.
or doubted its validity.
you had died. were wrapped in linen.
and were carefully laid inside a hollowed rock.

today there was no reason to hope.
the king was not much of a king afterall.
he would not save us as we wished.
his plans were grossly misinformed.
and for this, we crucified him.
spit on him.
mocked his lordship.
and could not bring ourselves to believe him at his word.

today the tomb was still sealed.
and we did not know what to do.

i love

i am aware of my lack of posting.

school is out in two weeks (including finals week).

i will be taking summer classes for the first time ever.

le sigh.

tonight i cleaned my room. kind of. it's getting there at least.

i love folding clothes. sorting papers. and the like.

i really love to organize. does that make me a nerd? maybe.

but nerds are hott.

ew that word....

the last three days have been completely restful.

even in the midst of classes. work. meetings. homework.

the eve before those three days i realized at once how overwhelming life can be.

and i cried.

that is also something i love.

the release. the loss of control.

the ability to see my inability.

the rush of certainty that floods my whole person that says

i need You.

i miss You.

You really are my heart's truest desire.

i know You are near.

but it is so very hard for me to draw near too.

especially when i'm tired.

and these past three days have been marked by Your peace.

thanks.

p.s.

my nephew, who lives in the living room. uses my room to practice guitar, violin, keyboard, etc. and absent-mindedly places them on the floor or on my bed. i have almost broken them several times. but i just can't ban him. i can't, though i've considered. (and possibly threatened?) i love to hear him practice. his thirteen year old self enthralled with music. i don't think it's the sort of passion derived from trying to make something out of himself - liking the appearance of being a musician more than the sound that fills space and lives. i love my family.

my mother

my mother is incredibly strong.

bursting with delight.

there is so much to say isn't there.

but tonight i do not want to find perfectly delicious phrases.

i want to craft. and clean.

and listen.

last week i went on choir tour.

what an experience! faces i may never see again. lives intersected for hours at a time.

today i am sick. i've been sick most of the semester. on and off. how annoying. what a pest sickness is. liquids and rest.

soon i will be done with my junior year in college. sometimes people think i am still in high school. i say it will benefit me when i am sixty and look forty. not that i'll care what i look like at that age. there will be - and currently are - more satisfying things in life than a wrinkle-free face.

soon i will be saying goodbye to people and places.

soon i will not be so busy. thrust into a new season defined by trust. bursting with delight. i already feel it infecting my conversation.

life is so precious.

and to be at home, tonight, is so delightful.

just saying.

i have so much to do. just saying.

monday:

school.

midterm.

conducting test.

work.

tuesday:

school.

midterm.

piano performance.

hillsong.

wednesday:

just a really long day.

really long.

thursday:

also a really long day.

school.

voice recital.

midterm.

work.

babysit.

friday:

school.

voice recital.

college group.

what?

let's just say i might call in tomorrow.

not even kidding.

rupturing

this morning i ran.

well, actually i walked and jogged.

i don't recall it completely. because as much as i tried to keep my mind stayed on one thing. any one thing. i couldn't. i struggle with being present, especially to myself, especially when life is shaky. some things i remember though, like the many greens rupturing from hard concrete and thick bark. the dull aches of tiredness and confusion. a woman in pajama pants riding a bike. heat radiating from my body. hundreds of cars filled with busy people whose faces i did not see but whose cars i heard. breathing in frosty air - icicles melting down my throat.

but i did it.

i may have cut through the grass at one point. tips of my adidas doused in morning dew.

but i said i would and i did.

::dance::

i am going to do this again.

look like

formed from dust.

made for glory.

what does that look like?

it begins.

this morning i could not find my keys.

i always lose my keys.

but it lead to a quiet morning.

i anticipate more quiet mornings.

and more quiet nights.

as i tuck myself into the shadow of Your wings.

passion borne not of human zeal or striving.

obedience fueled by love.

weak yes, after weak yes.

immersion in a river wide and deep.

a vastness i have never known.

this is what i anticipate.

i am not sure where my weak yes' will lead.

but right now it is leading to a realignment.

and a desire to hold still in Your presence and hold fast to Your truth.

assured You are not a Father who is turning me away or rejecting me.

did you know this is what i thought before?

i didn't even know i thought this.

but i did. and sometimes i still do.

You are not denying me.

You do not despise me.

i am broken. i am weak.

i have been pushing away Your love and forgiveness. i have been fighting Your grace and mercy. because i cannot accept something i did not earn. something i am not worthy of. i am a hard worker. and know the grade i deserve. i have been punishing myself, i have been disqualifying myself when You have done everything to open wide Your heart for me.

this is where it begins.

this is when it begins.

anchor

i am breathing in hope.

because it is an anchor for my soul.

most favorite class

it has been almost two weeks since i've been on here. i think about blogging. there are many things to write about and share. but one cannot rush a post. :)

i turned twenty-one on the third.

and came across this quote on meg fee's blog:

she was twenty-one, for God's sake. she must be allowed to grow up. by the time they were her age, most of the heroines of literature had lived, loved and even died...if she wanted to be a heroine, it was time to start behaving like one.
...robyn sisman

i must admit that while growing up provides opportunity to step into myself in greater measure, i find myself resisting. this birthday was different. today is different. friendships are not what they were. and i am resisting the reality of the change that has taken place.

i doubt i was ready for this. and as i sit in my most favorite class, i cannot help but reevaluate my movement towards this change. again. and again. not because it isn't good or beautiful. but because it is different. and requires development. and talking. and crying. lots of crying. and maybe even a complete shift in my involvement with places and people. i have been here, in this place for a while. i am adhering to my own desires, refusing to be moved. i am stubborn. and confused. and scared.

this could be self-sabotage.

and while it all seems very dramatic. (and it may be.)

it is oh so real.

avoiding

i am avoiding writing a reflective book response.

i have been for two hours.

not because i don't like the book. it was challenging. it was illuminating.

i am just not in the mood to write a paper.

thursday is my birthday. my twenty-first birthday.

and i still have school. an exam. and a performance test (piano).

and i still have work. the ones available to cover cannot.

i wish it were warmer outside. and the air were thicker. not so cough-inducing, because i still have a cough. i would sit outside. and maybe i would fall asleep.

how do we process all that we need to when we have papers to write?

time to write.

then sleep.

patient.

He is making me aware of areas i need to work on.

which means, i now have the responsibility to work on these areas.

but i don't want to.

oh well. He's here.

with me. patient.

He won't relent until He has all of me.

He is a jealous God. but He won't push Himself on us either.

so He waits.

as we distract ourselves and are stubborn. and are too broken to let go.

and are too scared to sit still.

i see myself in a field. playing with grass. unable to look into His eyes. fidgeting with plants. tying them together. pulling them out of their earthy homes. digging my fingers into the hill i sit on. but i see Him sitting there. waiting. silent. eyes that burn with love. passionate. they scare me. it scares me to be so loved. to be so unclothed and hideous. and beautiful. but dangerously self-destructive. in small ways. in quiet ways. He is looking on me. not turning His eyes to the left or to the right. He is looking at me. endlessly patient. but grieving my choice to hold on with white knuckles to my ways and thoughts. He waits for me to trust His transformative goodness. but it hurts to be made free. this i am sure of. but His love is sustaining. and healing. and sufficient. He is El-Shaddai. the one who is sufficient for all the needs of His people. and He calls me His. this promise is for me. because He is for me.

but i'm still in that field. not trusting yet. well, not completely.

and my eyes still cannot look at His for long.

so He waits.

and i am grateful.

sampled of summer

today i didn't wear a sweater or a cardigan.

today i wore pants, without leggings underneath.

today i sampled of summer beneath the leaves. and beneath the leaves, their transparent and waxy cuticles gleaming, were branches. strong branches and lovely branches. thick ones and thin ones. supporting the weighty beauty above. extending an infrastructure so intricate and purposeful. and so unseen. unless one lays beneath the leaves. and if i were to follow the black ants down the highways i would find an equally impressive organization of limbs underneath. the wonder we behold daily is bursting with the sacred.

today i am thinking of the anatomy of a tree.

and the importance of branches. roots. trunks.

uncannily similar

i've been sick for a week now. and i've decided, i don't like it one bit.

last time i was this sick, i was in seventh grade. for that i am thankful. that is about eight years of "not-so-bad" health with the random cold here or there.

that was the year i started shaving my legs. they weren't particularly hairy. but when i was younger, my sister (now dear friend) commented that i had werewolf legs. we were in the laundromat because we lived in apartments. and my feet didn't quite touch the groud yet because i was little. my shoe laces were dirty. and my face was pudgy. but i was so cute. chances are she was just becoming aware of her feminine attributes, her being five years older than me, and was making a quick, observational statement. no hurt feelings intended.

but in seventh grade it seemed important to shave my legs. my mother was staunchly against this. so like any pre-pubescent young lady i defied her and proceeded to watch dark sprouts cover my bare, naked legs over the next few days. but all of this is beside the point.

sometime that year we were studying sickness and the bodies response to it. and it was so ironic, studying viruses and bacteria for a week in bed. losing fifteen pounds. hating the way everything tasted. disappointed i wasn't in class taking notes. drinking gatorade.

it is the third week of this semester. and i am recovering. still. i have taken medicine everyday. and accidently took three times too much robitussin once. when you are awfully tired teaspoon and tablespoon look uncannily similar. and my mother drugged me so i could get a good nights sleep! i love her. but, my goodness, she is a criminal now. i've missed two days of school and one day of work. this is all necessary. the rest is necessary if i desire to be better. so i rest in Him. and am made whole by His peace. and am convicted by His love. and am drawn by His unique mercy and grace.

p.s. in seventh grade i got braces. i also got contacts. what a year.

p.s.s. though it wasn't so beautifully crafted, this post serves at an attempt to start blogging regularly again. and an attempt to put off homework for just fifteen more minutes. i am so good.

for days off

thankful for

my twenty (almost twenty one) year old body -

the miracle of ligaments and muscle fibers

and numberless blood cells rushing through veins and arteries.

the earth and seeds that take root,

vegetables and fruits that are harvested

by honest men in the heat of day

for a wage.

a mother who still stresses the importance of a clean room.

for martin luther king jr.

for dreams, big and small,

borne of the tension,

the tight space where truth is spoken about but not yet realized.

for days off when your body is sick.

today is such a beautiful day.

it's january and in the seventies.

only in southern california.

every detail is His joy

oh, to know my shepherds voice.

to know Your gentle leadership.

perfect in all its ways.

He takes the time to lead me. the high and lofty Yahweh guides me.

He never slumbers or sleeps. my failings do not make Him drowsy.

or bored. or fed up.

He watches over me, every detail is His joy.

there is no peace for a heart that is divided.

i choose complete obedience.

Your commandments sustain me.

you see what i don't see.

you know what i don't know.

good good shepherd.

and i will know the quiet waters and rich, green pastures.

and i will know restortation.

and i will be led in paths of righteousness for His names sake.

this is my confidence, this is the truth i feed on:

that You are faithful and good.

so ready

tonight at twelve i will be on my way to redding california. for a conference that i've been wanting to go to for three years now. those leading worship for the conference have accompanied me on my way to school. to work. they have helped me open wide my heart. they have given me words to the emotions that are hopelessly incommunicable. they have shown me what freedom looks like.

i am so ready for this year.

and for every obstacle and opportunity it presents.

it's gonna be so good.

:)

more aware

right now i am focusing on myself.

so dissatisfying.

headache inducing.

i am becoming more aware of my selfishness.

beyond cure.

normally falling asleep is easy. effortless.

the closing of my eyelids is my escape.

where i need not think or process the stuff that i ought to.

it is so difficult sometimes to discern what one is to do.

or to say.

the heart is deceitful above all things.

it is beyond cure. who can understand it?

and i mislead myself. all. the. time.

i have faults that i am not aware of.

my heart hides and disguises destruction so well.

but no one likes to discover their brokenness.

especially if they have convinced themselves that all was right and good.

and whole.

i hate that i cannot understand myself the way others understand themselves.

sometimes i am overwhelmed with pure assurance. sheer security.

but it is a vapor.

and i cry.

but most of the time i stop myself.

but right now i can't.

and it's this hollow unproductive sadness and disappointment.

with no resolution in sight.

it's just that i am so broken.

and don't even know where to start.

i am so glad He came. and i know He is present. and real. and alive.

and abounding in love and mercy.

but i don't even know where to start.

He comes with light.

and i desire an outbreak of this very light in my thinking.

in the movings of my heart.

to expose the things hid. the things quivering with fright.

that they would be made visible. so that my true nature i can see.

and so that this kind Savior, who remembers that i am dust, may quiet my stammering and stuttering anxieties with love. a love that i do not understand and feel unworthy to receive.

but he calls me beloved.

worth love.

i am so glad He came.

even though i am scared. and broken.

i am so glad He came.

because He makes all things new. and whole.

good news. good news.

this is my joy. my song in the night.

i am so glad He came.

dsjfao;wegprgj

my sister and her husband are here.

for ten days.

and i'm going to jesusculture conference in january.

dsjfao;wegjprgj

and today i am going christmas shopping.

it's a tad late but i don't have many people to shop for.

(the adults in my family pick names because there are just too many of us.)

annnddddd i'm feeling rather crafty as of late.

cutting up old books.

::gasp::

*

excitement!

*thank you google images.