not being around

my sister gracie and her husband are moving away tomorrow.

nine hours north.

my highschool graduation.

two years ago.

this past christmas.

we love to be silly.

today is their "sending away" party and we stayed up late last night decorating and woke up early this morning to finish up. an hour from now family and friends will be pulling up. and laughter will echo throughout the hallways. there will be tears no doubt.

but new beginnings are always so fun.

i love them so.

[pictures will be up soon.

and i mean a lot.]

i can't imagine my sister not being around.

but today she is here.

insecurities

sometimes my insecurities keep me from making friends.

true story.

hopscotch

afternoons in the park with my two nephews:

exquisite.

chalk.

jungle gym.

woodchips.

shade for days.

faulty kite.

making friends with other seven year olds.

hopscotch.

the "invisible wind shaking the palm trees."

swings.

pretend treasure hunts.

(raging rivers and scary snakes included).

my oldest* nephew, mikey, and i resolved to write music on the sidewalks of the park next week with chalk. what a wonderful idea! prepare yourself to be blown away because it shall be documented.

*oldest meaning twelve. eight years younger, but just like a brother.

did i mention he just finished elementary school?

ay yi yi. (mexican roots) i can't imagine this little one in middle school.

the conclusion

three weeks ago my heart beat vehemently as i did twenty minutes of cardio.

any attempt at physical activity since then has been quickly averted.

however, this past friday i ran with two friends:

rudy (from here on out referred to as el segundo) and josh (no nickname, yet).

the mission:

two miles.

run one. walk the other.

don't forget to stretch.

the result:

being sore for three days straight.

a headache during the run.

and after the run.

did i mention being sore?

the conclusion:

i am out of shape.

big time.

so i need to move more. my niece refuses to be my running partner. i've accepted it. moved on. and suppose running alone is the right thing to do for now.

here are my plans:

run three days a week. two miles each time until i can completely run both. then we'll up it?

weights for my arms. five pounders please? some mini workout sessions from exercise tv. don't judge. and sit ups/crunches. the usual summer rush to get toned for that two piece. hah.

actually, two piece aside, the hard work it takes to make sure i treat my body right and stay healthy.

because this is far more important than that bikini.

almost: a story of a room in transition

my room is almost done.

a week ago i spent about five hours painting a floral-esque design on my wall. of course if it were not for my friend michael it would have not been done in five hours. maybe fifteen. but never five. oh! and after some purusing about ikea with the mother i decided on curtains which inspired said floral-esque design. and who can resist ikea's organizational boxes that make the messiest young lady seem put together? not i. especially when they provide the opportunity to label them.

take a peek:

the curtains. and 99 cent mustard colored ribbon. a steal.

insert thrift store chair (yet to be found) in empty space.

scale back a few feet. standing on my bed.

blank wall....

closeups

::drumroll::

the whole thing.

and some.

i.e. branches from behind my bed and vines from my ceiling.

oh!

and look at this two dollar frame. spray painted of course.

artistic, eh?

:P

things yet to be purchased:

bedding.

reading chair.

rug.

adieu!

stores that are notorious

i do love the endless possibilities for creativity when it comes to dressing oneself.

but i have not the money to indulge at any store, no matter how economical it may be.

yet, i find myself spending far too much money at stores that are notorious for emptying the money one has on them (and the money one wishes they had on them).

are they wonderfully delicious finds?

yes.

will i wear these pieces out like my only pair of black flats?

yes.

was it wise of me to buy these items?

yes. i mean no.

*slaps self on hand*

so i make a pact with myself and with you, dear blog:

i will not purchase any clothing items (accessories and shoes included)

until september.

i do need a white purse. and to fix the strap on my black one.

but corporate world who tells me i need these clothes to be someone?

i bid you farewell.

because my pocketbook cannot take another hit.

and what i wear, regardless the fantastic fit or precocious pattern, does not define me.

just saying.

unabashedly severed

it seems i have a fetish with words beginning with "u" that until now has gone undetected.

because all of my posts thus far for the month of june - the action packed three - have begun with the much loved "u."

you see, the "u"'s have ultimately usurped prospective blog titles from their unassuming counterparts, they have upstaged twenty five others and ushered in a new reign, they have unabashedly severed the umbilical cord of the immature and defenseless.

but with utmost sincerity they acknowledge their unacceptabe behavior and insatiable desire for power.

they will step down abdicating both throne and short-lived fame.

it is big of them to do that, you know. let others have their chance.

that is precisely why i love them so.

until we meet again, fair "u."

p.s.

i do love to personify anything and everything.

bad habit? perhaps. entertaining? slightly. :)

unsorted socks

dear children whose toes i will play "this little piggy..." with,

today i washed all of my clothes. and there wasn't one thing left in the dirty hamper! you probably don't believe me because normally i have dirty clothes in the hamper and on my floor. but i promise. i washed dark clothes. light clothes. white clothes. and even some blankets (that were quickly tucked away in the lovely linda).

i forgot to mention that i washed all the socks i could find.

there are six pairs of feet in this household.

enough said.

i decided that you will wear different brand socks than your sister(s) or brother(s). or i will mark whos are who with a permanent marker. because i still have unsorted socks in a bag. socks that have no match. patterned socks. colored socks. and far too many white socks. socks that are too small. or socks i've had for years. what do you do with old socks? do you give them away? throw them away? i do hope i've figured this out by now. but these are the inconsequential questions of a twenty year old. one day i will be full grown.

i just wrote to tell you that everything about you

(even the socks that you slip on)

is significant.

and aside from the cheesiness between each syllable, please do remember.

sincerely,

a young girl who is becoming cleaner each day for herself

unrecognizable

let us stop squinting our eyes and licking our pursed lips.

we are prostituting ourselves to the dead things.

those that do not speak. or hear. those that are dust.

comprised of flakes, miniscule particles of malicious mites.

blown off the windowsill by our anxious laughter.

there is no peace in this.

we have become unrecognizable. the truth is not in us.

prisoners to our illusory freedom.

with lashes curled we attempt to lure the affection of others.

adoration was never ours. we were loved poorly.

and rejection has twisted us out of alignment ever since.

but the breath of Love has been on our eyelids all along.

since the booming voice called out to the brooding darkness,

Love has been summoning us home.

utmost importance

before spring came and the sun conquered its bashfullness* i bought a new umbrella. the see through kind that look like bubble ufos.

exhibit a

my favorite part is that while my shoulders, labtop, purse, and face are perfectly protected, they are not veiled by my umbrella. this is beneficial for two reasons:

1. i can see where i am going. this is very important because i already tend to trip over myself as it is. walking is tricky sometimes.

2. i can smile at passerbys through my umbrella. this is of utmost importance.

enter umbrella metaphor:

they are particularly useful when it begins to sprinkle and you've done your hair just right. or you are holding prized possessions. but when it comes to His grace - His grace that is everywhere - they must be folded and put away lest we want to limit His grace from soaking our lives and heart. yes, our umbrellas will effectively keep His showers of goodness shut out. they will enable us to keep our distance from Him. but sometimes the brave (and wet) thing to do is to surrender to the refreshing rains of His grace. and become saturated, not withholding any part with our manmade mechnisms that protect our wounds and nurse our false selves.

this is of utmost importance.

* as of late june has been teasing the sun for its brightness saying things like "you are too yellow" or "no one appreciates your warmth." but with some coaxing i'm sure she will come out from behind her concrete walls.

write

it isn't quite summer until all days have been marinated in the southern california sun, which gives me the excuse and pleasure of going to sleep with oversized sweaters, school sweats, and fuzzy christmas socks. but soon enough it will be seventy plus every day and the beach will be a frequent destination (before i find a day job, of course). i must remind myself to wear sunscreen. even if the water is too cold. and the sky is cloudy. because, dear friends, my scalp is peeling. unattractive. quite.

however, my room will be done this summer.

i am determined to not waste the free time i have by just lounging. although, "just lounging" can be so beneficial. so facebook? you might be missing me every so often. but when i do see you it will be short and sweet. don't beat yourself over the head. it isn't you, it's me. cold case re-runs on tbs? dvr will ensure our meeting again.

isn't it time we write our resolutions on our hands and feet?

...

i would love to jump into this picture.

(blue skadoo, we can too)

ring any bells?^

indulgent: a story of a room in transition

i made the choice to redecorate my room last summer.

needless to say all i did was paint the walls and buy a few items that never made it out of the bag.

lack of motivation had a lot to do with it. but after going to a few thriftshops with my friend last week and seeing those items vamped up and displayed in his room within two days, i was shocked at my own slothfulness. school is out and i have yet to find a job.

so what exactly is holding me back?

oh, yes. the massive, pokey blob in my corner.

the mess that requires sorting through.

but it has been tackled (mostly).

and removed (rather relocated to opposite side of my room).

here are a few new additions:

meet linda.

colored pencils!

tissue paper, stationary, pastels, creative book of ideas, spray paint.

to add: box of old pictures and cards.

underneath this pull out "drawer" are blankets upon blankets filling the entire trunk.

did i mention she looked like this?

enter the xacto knife (cut out that dark brown tarp), sand paper, and a great friend:

victorious. isn't she a beaut?

oh and update on the oragami cranes?

here is that corner now:

the frames are all thrift store finds (one stinking dollar each!).

the wooden ones have been spray painted.

here are some close ups of the frames:

little prince trace. mothers days petals. bird prints.

pictures of romance. hymn.

pictures from books. bird print.

He is faithful. Costa Rican moolah.

bird print. book cover (two lines from a children's poem: "i want to write about things that aren't real. i want to write about floweres that talk"). He loves us. and a pullout from my nephews book. the messy room and stern finger and stubborn face could not be more true to my own experience.

...

that was a rather indulget post. my sincerest apologies.

but allow me one last picture as i am quite unsure what to do with this snippet of wall.

any ideas?

the best time

a few things on my to-do list:

.know the Father's voice better by abiding

.spend time with my niece and nephew before they move out

.draw, not because i am good but because it is good for me

.finish my bedroom (this encompasses a whole other list)

.improve my posture before i look like a wilted flower the rest of my life

.be deliberate about where my thoughts take me because the past can dictate what i do and how i feel if i allow it to

.write songs, even if no one will ever hear them

.run, and keep on running

.be frugal, not cheap

.stand firm in who i am created to be, even if it's strange or silly

.keep my room clean for more than three days

.stop being movtivated by fear and rejection

.readreadread

.invest in friendships

.get a job (preferably with kids!)

i'm sure there is more. but that is all i can think of.

summer is the best time to cross things off of a list.

hello again.

i am officially done with my sophmore year.

[what? really?]

and to celebrate i made and hung origami cranes.

[taken with phone]

hello, summer.

i've been meaning to officially re-introduce myself. it's been so long and so much has happened since we've last met. so hello again. i look forward to getting reacquainted.

gather my forces

my grandmother's cockatiel says hello and how are you.

he has been most kind in distracting me from my music theory composition.

[due tomorrow.]

ahhh, finals week. you are my evil nemesis.

and while i lack any substantial plans or tools to defeat you.

i will soon gather my forces.

and strike accordingly.

that is, if i ever get the motivation to start.

:)

pettiness

i wonder if they are skirting around the issues.

if they are conscientiously avoiding conversation.

and if all of their pettiness is a device to drive me away.

to drive honesty into fallow ground.

to fend off self-examination at the expense of friendships.

to settle for small-minded matters of trivial worth.

these are harmless of course.

the laughter is vacuous.

and the depth, my friends, is just not there.

instead:

let us distract ourselves and our counterparts with moving screens.

let us look at others with disdain and prove that we are entitled to

our position and our popularity.

let us expel the eccentric.

let us delight in exclusion.

i have steeled myself for this:

the community is deteriorating.

and no one is willing to do anything to save it.

misinformed

and while reflecting on "perks of being a wallflower" i resonate with the fact that we do really accept the love we think we deserve. what do I deserve? truthfully, in my fallen state nothing. but redeemed, i know there are plans and people for me. and while i affirm my own worth and value i am stuck. because my wants are contradictory and confusing. an unsolved puzzle. a hard math equation (think calculus). and i am weighing the pros and cons. and the advantages and disadvantages and possibilities and limitations are far too much for me to consider. but they are dominating my thoughts as of now. and i don't want to choose. and i'm afraid the things i've chosen thus far are [le sigh] misinformed by my lack of clarity. my choices affect others. will disappoint others. will give hope to others. and this is not good. because i may be messy but others do not deserve to be dragged through this mess i find myself in.

i want integrity to define my relationships. how i carry conversation and how i don't carry conversation. the subtle ways i smile and don't smile that send secret messages. who i choose to hang out with and how often i hang out with them.

but life is inconsistent.

and i am finding myself inconsistent.

and as much as i've convinced myself that i know what i want.

i don't.

sometimes i believe i am not fit for relationships.

my desire to be pursued is too strong.

it overwhelms my convictions.

it has overtaken my resolutions.

it dims the hallways of reason.

it darkens the basements of faith.

what a horrible, broken creature i can be.

in desperate need of marvelous light.

emptied soon enough

my room is a disaster but i've no intention of cleaning it until school is out.

(twenty-seven more days. eeks.)

life is so untidy. and hard to organize.

now, if only there were one big drawer to put all these oddities in.

these things

that if i were to be honest with myself

are just things i don't want to think about hard enough to deal with.

close the drawer. sigh.

and realize that the drawer must be emptied soon enough.

things must be sorted out. and you are the one that must do it.

with questions. and conversations.

what will life sorted out look like when all the questions are asked and the pros and cons are weighed and the lists are made and the fears are confronted?

[insert unknown result]

precisely.

hectic

can't wait until the first week of may when finals wrap up.

what is free time again? i seem to have forgotten.

taking a deep breath for the month of april.

hectic it shall be.

stronger than the shouldn'ts

i've a paper to write. this happens too many times.

i've not the motivation to write it.

i must. i must.

but dissecting a film is not what i care to do at this moment. i have a full day of school tomorrow: nine to nine. i would love to take the day off.

fact: i would really love to take the day off.

i shouldn't.

but sometimes our desire is stronger than the shouldn'ts. i've never missed a full tuesday before. one absense (two for some classes) can't hurt. i have done the readings. i score well on exams. i engage in thoughtful discussions during class. and i've been going nonstop since friday morning. and will continue going nonstop until choir tour is over*. rest is undoubtedly being neglected here, isn't it? i am an introvert. my energy comes from time alone spent rejuvinating. and as of late, i have had no time to re-anything.

ah, here i go rationalizing my desires. but, truthfully, the shouldn't(s) - this shouldn't, specifically - aren't as important as we make them. sometimes the better thing to do is shrug off the day. and do with it something less dreary. the paper will still need to be done. turned in by six at night. but not now. perhaps after a morning walk. and a bowl of crunchy grapes.

*departure? this friday. lots of performances. arrival home? in two sundays.