is enough.

"man does not live on bread alone, but on every word

that comes from the mouth of God"

deuteronomy 8:3, matthew 4:4

today marked the first day of my fast.

and though there are freshly cooked brownies downstairs i am convinced that His word is enough. has always been enough. will always be enough. it's so good to know that. i'm ready for newness. He is washing over me with His love. and i'm just trying to receive it. to soak in it. the reality is, i can't receive a compliment from jo shmo at target. to think that the King of Kings desires to lavish His love on me... whoa! His love is healing. refreshing. quieting the craziness within. awakening a deep love for Him. not the hormonal sort of love. the sort that is kindled in heaven.

out of the loop

i realized that my whole life, i've never really been able to hang with the girls. never. except for one or two exceptional ladies, including my sister. always sort of out of the loop. awkward. quiet. trying a bit too hard. things haven't changed much. and maybe it's my fault.
it might be. probably.

matters of mischief

you have petals in your eyes, satin and bright: angular and rounded; deceitful like bad men with bad plans who smile big.

your capricious spirit is elusive and though you are untrustworthy, i wait for you to call. saccharine hellos and how are yous drift between unlimited expanses of city blocks and country hills and ocean waves. undulating rolling voice. you are far away and just a transmission of sound. technology is cold.

you are deliberate in matters of mischief. my pain was contrived from your first seduction. you are Puck's incarnate. i am beguiled. above all, i am in love with a liar.

this is short and not a real life thing. it should definately be longer. and there isn't much of a plot. buuuut. that could change.. maybe?

highly esteemed excavationists

the attic in my house has been a source of fascination for years now. my mother warned me not to go in there in third grade. so being afraid, i didn't. :) heh but the days are long and my nephew and i are often bored... thus we set up a ladder with nervous giggles, extended the swifer duster to it's full length, tied a flashlight to said duster and poked at the two by two entrance to the attic.

*enter hauting music*

we poked for twenty minutes, squealing each time it lifted and fell. finally, we mustered up the courage to stick our heads in only to find nothing. no boxes full of magazines or treasures left into our possession from past tenants. we were hoping their forgetfulness would be gracious. we envisioned ourselves as highly esteemed excavationists, discovering a new world of thought, a peer hole into the lives of other people. and we found insulation and pieces of wood. not to mention the unbearable heat that attacked any intruder. my nephew is still convinced that if i let him crawl into the attic he could find something. something grand.

the sidewalks will be mine

this is such a weird season for me; between dependence and independence. discovering, not on my own, who i am apart from [insert person or inanimate object or something one does]. and it's not appealing most of the time. and it hurts more often than not. and i'm not articulate enough at this moment to summarize how excruciatingly weird it is. maybe i'll be articulate tomorrow. :)

anywhooo. i've been filing papers for 8$/hr and am saving every penny.

and even though i miss the smell of new clothes, i know that other things are more important. like dancing before His throne. like actually thinking through things and writing daily. like walking the streets with no destination in mind. like paying off loans. like savoring fresh air. like conversations until two in the morning with sisters or bosom buddies.

like learning to ride a bike proficiently. which i will do this summer. and the sidewalks will be mine. :)

clouds

i don't have blinds or curtains for my 82 by 34.5 inch window in my room. i love the dancing shadows of trees and the moonglow that bathes my room each night. did i mention that i love the sky? i really do. i'm afraid i might get in an accident one day because i like to stare at the clouds. :) 

                                                                            

anyways. 

today,  i had entirely too much time on my hands. 10:08 am i woke up with hardly anything appealing on my to do list. and thus, i accomplished nothing. 

feeling the need to do something, i painted my cheeks with "breath of plum" (names for makeup are always so silly), curled my eyelashes and got dressed to drive around the historic area of my town in order to find some oober cool furniture thats sometimes on the sidewalk because people don't know the treasures they have. after 10-15 minutes of driving at a walking pace, i decided that walking would be be a better option, because my slow driving was an obstruction of traffic. people actually had jobs to be at and children to pick up. but i didn't want to walk and forgot to put on my vanilla chai deodorant. heh. sooooo, i turned around and went into a thrift store and then home with no purchases made and no furniture captured. 

i miss my healthy body. dayquil and nyquil officially fail. 

bright side of today?

i had a peach for breakfast, watched john and kate plus 8, and decided to leave my window open all day.

hooray for fresh air!

:)

unfeigned

it is the first of june.
i am currently reading "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius" by dave eggers and after completing page 211 of 437 have decided that the narrator is currently getting on my nerves. i need a break for a few days. i accompanied my dad to barnes and nobles where i bought "me talk pretty one day" by david sedaris and "the perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky. exciting? yes. :)
my dad has cataracts and his surgery is on the twenty-second of this month. today i took him to have a final examination. there were seven chairs, upholstered in a dull purple paisley print that was supposed to complement the grey and puple carpet.  paisley reminds me of tapered pickles. :) mr. rodriguez? he left me to my books for a solid hour and forty-five minutes. there was a man about my fathers age taking in his mother to get her glasses repaired. will that be me in forty years? maybe. 

there was this lady with the last name Lawrence who donned a maroon Cherokee sweater, slate grey sweats, and faded baby blue orthopedic shoes. her smile was unfeigned. she had a cane and her left hand shook and she was compelled to conquer kingdoms or sickness or the coming hour. she forgot her perscription on her last visit and is currently enrolled in a film class.  i long to be a lifelong student like she is. she enclosed to me what she considered confidential information: she owns four pairs of glasses and broke a pair just so she could buy new ones.

"some people like jewlery, i happen to like glasses."

:)

this game is more addicting than real life

today i've thought about television and videogames and how they have gradually replaced conversation in my home. when i grow up and do not live here my house will be different. miles away from this place. i want my living room to be a place where people live, not surrender to the images blinking on a flat screen for hours. it will be about relationships and not about what's recorded on the DVR and when can we watch it and i've only been on my wii for 4 hours and this game is more addicting than real life. i can't wait. because i'm over being negative about my house and the antics that take place in it. gum on the bathroom tile, really? ::sigh:: not worth it. fo reals. 

it's 2:54 and my mom is making rosemary lemon chicken. and i think i smell rice pilaf. i love rice pilaf. :)

right here.

the clouds have been singing the blues for a few days now. the tree outside my window has leaves that are dancing to that tune of gloom but the birds are still singing. :) and life is beautiful and God is here. Immanuel, right? at the time it was Christ, the God incarnate, walking and breathing and taking part in life among His people: reconciling the relationship. the death and resurrection of Christ seals the deal if we call Him Lord over our lives. 

"behold, a virgin will be with child and bear a son, 

and she will call His name Immanuel."

Isaiah 7:14

He is God with us. i forget that He is available twenty four seven: He is never too busy and He is never distant. we see it like that, well, because we don't see clearly. and most of the time we don't want to see clearly. we like our blurred vision and skewed eyesight because it works in favor of our fallen nature. a nature we are stuck to like glue. in the hush of our hearts, in that painstaking silence He is drawing near. already near. right here. it's beautiful how He is with us. how we can be with Him. dance. cry. sing. hurt. laugh. scream. clap. with Him.

, and we laughed.

so my dad has been a christian for almost a year (this august!) and i've yet to really engage in that sort of relationship where we can talk about God freely. mind you, they don't have textbooks for this situtation. if they did, i would have taken copious notes. :) but last night i walked into my parents room to say goodnight to my dad (my mother was washing dishes still). he was sitting on his bed, trying to escape from his day watching "Cops," apparently exhausted. but we had a conversation. this is the beginning. :) and though i mostly talked, he said he enjoyed it - listening to me. he chimed in. and we spoke about God in regards to parenting, lifestyles, devotional times, working "in the ministry," and we laughed. and in that laughter our once painful and awkward relationship was transforming. and it's so good. :) heh.

now switching metaphors.

i want to write again. senior year consisted of writing groups (every friday) , monday musings (every monday), and other creative writing assignments (every week) up the wazoo. and i miss that. terribly. i've hit a sort of dry spell. i want to write! hah. and i can. it's somewhere in me, hiding - taking a break, reading a magazine, feet propped up on a table... following my lead. so i'm going to lead it out of hiding. and i, now switching metaphors, will wring that sucker for all its worth. :) what i write will be alive and bursting with newness and maybe all together different. but i just need to put my pen to that paper, my fingers to those square lettered buttons on my keyboard. 

recall who i call upon.

"Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; 

on thee do i wait all the day."

psalm 25:5

He is the Compassionate Rescuer. and i have found salvation in Him. all of creation declares His might. all of creation sings of His power. i wait on Him. engaged in His process of refining. fending off idle pleasure for the sake of deep communion. and i am now realizing the time it takes. hours. days. minutes. years. seconds. slow. fast. perpetual. a wheel, spinning  spokes. mesmerizing and continual. i am a pouter and must confess that the time, the unceasing wait, causes me to thrust my lower lip out and display my displeasure. to wait all the day is a privilege that some would consider easygoing. effortless, even. it is not. it is not pleasant either. it is uncomfortable and squemish. 

but i want Him to prepare me and develop our love relationship. 

and this is what it takes. 

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and let your heart take courage;

Yes, wait for the LORD."

psalm 27:14

if i do not accept this exhortation it does me no good. it is nice to read. to challenge others with. to hang on a wall. but unless translated into my daily living it is useless. so i must recall who i call upon and resign to His will. 

failing horribly

i'm not sure what to write all of a sudden. it feels like an invasion of privacy, almost - people (you) reading this blog. i feel i must impress you with profound things. sadly, i am not as profound as i wish. avert thine eyes if you were expecting something more college-esque, more girl finding her purpose-esque, more southern california-esque! :) you haven't found it, but have stumbled upon something less. disconnected rambling, perhaps. hah. judge if you will. actually, please do. and make your complaints or praises known by sending them to me. i will print them out and post them on my wall. crumple them and laugh. :) heh. just kidding. i really won't do either.

so, seriously? 

i can't write anything serious write now.

i'm about to move the furniture in my room so i can paint on friday.

i did taebo with that famous taebo guy. and spent some wonderful time with jesus.

tonight my nephew (age 11) will perform in a concert. he is in honor band and practices when he wants because he really is that talented. just kidding. he needs to practice more, but knows his stuff relatively well. i feel accomplished when i help him. i think it's crazy how much he knows about music: i just finished a year of basic musicianship (ie theory for dummies). but i am no dummy, just new to this world and it's intricracies. :)

come back later. im failing horribly at this blog thing. it's tragic.

:)

string of thoughts: knotted&frayed

lately i've been compiling a book of ideas. ideas for my room that is. this includes cutting out anything from a magazine that causes me to smile.  i was looking through an old ikea catalogue (2006) and found that this was not something new for me. stacey, the 16 year old, also desired a private getway and circled anything that caused her to smile. things have not changed. :)

the colors for my room?

asparagus&june vision

i can't wait until it's complete. but there is still so much to do. 

and pictures won't be up until it's done. deal.

...

on tuesday i looked out my bathroom window and saw fifteen birds congregating on a tree in my backyard. they were chasing eachother like i used to chase boys. :)

...

i had two interviews this week.

the limited: 

i refuse to wear slacks. i never want to have a job where slacks is part of the dress code. but if i get the job.... i might have to. sad day. however, after the interview i passed by one of those stands that always have foreign men working them who try and sell you hair straighteners (sp?). i never sit down. but monday was different and i did. point being  i was able to share my faith with this foreign man who was baffled by the joy behind my smile. if that's the only reason i had an interview at one o'clock at the limited then cool. :)

pacsun: 

i can go to the beach right after work and not change. at all. golden. i ran into some kid from 7th grade who is currently "living life [...and...] doing whatever." but like that foreign man on monday, i was able to share with him what God is doing in my life, specifically. he asked if i wanted his number. people are silly these days. so i have his and he has mine. and nothing will come of it. hah. 

i really need a job. 

and i will get one soon.

amen. 

:)

that sort of intimacy.

"[...]that i may know him, and the power of his resurrection,

and the fellowship of his sufferings [...]"

phillipians 3:10

He is the Eternal Lover. and i want to be all there when He initiates relationship with me. but there is a battleground behind my eyes where thoughts impetuously rush towards each other and collide. there is no rest, only an ache - faint, yet persistent - for Him to arrest my attention. to, quite literally, grab me by the chin and turn my face towards His. to, like the words of a hymn: "look full in His wonderful face". i don't think i'd be able to handle that sort of intimacy. i want to. i want to be satisfied with wonder and delight for my King. seized by His unyielding love once and for all.

underneath the rug.

oh my. awakened at 7.40 am because of arguments. part of me wants to stay here, in this house and correct every wrong i see: every foul mouth, lust driven action, eruption of anger, homework assignment left unchecked, responsibility ignored. the list goes on. 

but lately i have just wanted to leave. leave this house that is stripped of peace and joy. 

it's really messing with me. i swear i am going crazy.

everyone is tip-toeing around the mountain of unresolved issues underneath the rug.

and everytime i am stirred to say something about the height or width of the mountain, i get backhanded with a swift "shut up."

but it's okay. because now i'm just going to be quiet. i won't stop caring. but it's not my burden to carry or my truth to unviel. it's not my heart to mend or my decision to make. i am 19. what do i know right? i am not an adult. i am not a mother. i do not have a job (yet). 

so screw my opinion and my observations. 

dance around that mountain underneath the rug but don't say a thing.

im 19.

its crazy to think (and much harder to accept) that i am only 19. i've spent my whole life with older siblings, older friends,  older everyone. and a week ago i realized, with the help of michael, that i expect myself to accomplish what only an older person can. i don't need to rush God. or push His plans for my life. i try to hurry Him up and i nudge Him hoping He catches my drift. all this time, being defined by what i am doing and who i am with. completely consumed with to do lists and filling up my planner with dates and deadlines. i'm 19. and God's plans reach far beyond this year. and His plans reach far beyond me. so to be defined by what i am doing and who i am with is just missing the point. i need to be defined by Him - duh? to be stacey. not stacey and so and so. or stacey who's going to do this or going to achieve that. and that applies to my closest friends, to my dreams, to my ministry. i am 19 and i am slowing down and i am falling in love with my Saviour. daily. over breakfast in my backyard. on my way to the antique store. standing in line for mint chocolate chip ice cream at rite aid. intentionally seeking Him, in His fullness. entirely engaged when He speaks and reveals.