poison is poison.

last night i sat in the heaviness of it all.

with a friend.

and we talked and cried. about the past few years. years, can you believe it? can you believe how long we drag things on? with hope. with desperation. because we need life to be a certain way to function. i can't really articulate this all. we fool ourselves. convince ourselves that life really is okay. that we are okay with all that has happened. (how can any of what had happened have been okay?) and if we can just hold onto some things for just a bit longer we can fix them. we can ask questions and people will change. miraculously. but i cannot change you or fix you. we are all broken. we are all lost. we all do things we don't want to do. we all don't do things we want to do. when we try and do good, evil is right by our side. persuading us. rationalizing wrongdoing. poison is honey. sweet. thick. and when we are choking. sputtering blood. half-alive. hyperventaliting. we realize poison is poison. and sin leads to death. years.

but i know now, this very moment, that i want life.

i want to live, really live.

wounds are deep.

oh, they are deep.

ties are strong.

strong, but killing us.

but i have the opportunity to live.

to explore the height and depth of life.

this morning i am awakened by the courage to live.

and as impossible as it all felt yesterday.

this morning, and in the heaviness of last night,

i know it is possible.