for admiting it so recklessly.

there are so many good things happening.

the discovering of myself and of others. letting people in. understanding that i do have friends if i make time for them. they want in. i need to let them in. fun times at plays. at lunch. at dinner. on the couch. watching without a trace. even though my dad gets mad that the dvr is 46% full of them. reading a book for book club. laughing unrestrained. crying unrestrained, mostly with people. it's harder to cry by myself. it never used to be this way. but more recently it has been. i don't know what this means. but my heart is aching.

we are separate people living separate lives now.

and even though there are good good things happening. friday night was filled with me missing you. and places. and the plans we had. i will never dance that dance holding your hand or smelling your shampoo that i think smells weird. and i can't describe the realness. the rawness. how it overcame me. how it filled every cell. how i could explode with longing. how i wanted to say something. but shouldn't and didn't and won't. mostly because i said i wouldn't. because i have to learn how to keep my word. always. yes be yes. no be no. i cannot confuse things. i cannot reentangle myself. even though i am desperate with yearning. friday. yesterday. today. you are the funniest man in the world and i miss the way i laugh with you. a laugh uncontrollable. a smile inconceivable. i miss it desperately. desperately. i miss the understanding. i miss the confidence. i miss the frozen pizzas. i miss round eyes and big teeth. i miss knowing you will always respond. i miss always being together. even though it means that we were unhealthy. unhealthy for so long. so long. even though it means that we did not know who we were without eachother. i miss security. even though trust was broken many times. even though i had reason to be insecure. i was always secure. because you were my safe place. i miss car fresheners and talking about jesus. i miss worshipping with you. connection. knowing without saying. leading eachother. mutual submission. trusting eachother up there. releasing each other up there. planning and unity. i miss seeing you grow. i love seeing you grow and discovering gifts. i miss encouraging you and telling you it's going to be okay. i miss having a place with you. always having a place with you. i do i do i do. and part of me feels horrible for this. for even typing it. for admiting it so recklessly. but it is so true. and sometimes writing it, more specifically typing it, is the only way i can make myself feel. is the way i can make what is being repressed surface.

it pries open the cellars of my heart.

the basements with secrets and pain and wounds that are too deep.

far deeper than we know they are.

last night it took an hour and a half of restlessness to fall asleep. it took putting my head where the feet go. it took reciting words over and over in my head. knowing they are true.

He is kind. and in His kindness He has brought me to this place, this aching place of desperation. i have to trust this. if i believe He is kind and good and true - the truest realest person i could ever know- then i must trust. i must call to mind His tender mercies. i must remember remember His faithfulness. His deep deep love. even though lately i have not felt anything. not one drip of it. i want more than knowledge, i want experience. i want a knowing.

it feels good to cry. to feel. to lean into the sorrow and the loss. as well as the good good things that are happening. even if it means i need to do my makeup again.

i can't do anything about this desire. this eagerness to be with you.

i wonder if it will ever go away. i wonder if a few months from now i will feel this. i wonder if i will ever see you again after friends have weddings and events cause us to haphazardly bump into eachother. i want to see you whole. healed. delivered. free. i do i do i do. i wish i could help with it. but i can't. instead i am trusting you to the One who can. the only One who can. sometimes i get afraid you won't run to Him. that you will run to other things. things that are destructive. things that sabatoge intimacy with yourself, others, and Him. i release you to the One who is strong. who is enough.

i know that the decisions that have been made are right. are the right ones.

but they hurt. this all hurts.