it is five and i have spent most of my day (after sleeping in) sniffling, blowing my nose, sneezing and drinking liquids. in between these activities i have eaten breakfast (fruit) and lunch (albondigas soup), played harry potter on the wii with my nephew, played legos with my nephew, and have finished the last pages of The Help by Kathryn Stockett. The last three hours have been quiet. passing cars - metal cutting through air. birds, i wonder what kind. mom and dad are both visiting their mothers. the former in san diego tending to gma's shingles and inconsistent diet. the latter in a hospital nearby while my gma regains the ability to independently do things for herself. it reminds me of death. of their age (and of how young i am). of how fragile our bodies are. of how decay is guarenteed. of how it only needs time to torch the harrowing trail to hospital beds and nurses and doctors and medication and and and. it reminds me of life. of friday morning, alexis bringing me oatmeal and packets of emergenC and good conversation. of yesterday spent with the feller and his family in san diego. both of us were sniffly (he actually got me sick) so we didn't make any plans to go out. but we lounged. cooked. talked. laughed. went on a walk. of this morning spent with my mom and dad and nephew - with questions about my symptoms, about the trip to san diego and with a list of their worries about their mothers. i know i am not saying much today. nothing worth erecting a monument about. but all of these moments - the lego moments, the heating up of soup mother made for her mother and me moments, the hand of the feller's younger brother as we walk around their new neighborhood moments... are worth remembering, worth examining, worth giving thanks for, worth noticing... and i am much more interested in these moments than the one's that would naturally draw more attention. the small less than monumental moments. those are the moments for me.
in other news:
i need to write more. because this is poorly written. slightly cheesy (the end? sigh.). and my syntax, my pattern of speech and organization of grammar is so predictable. is this a bad thing?
book club starts up again in june. Brave New World. hoorah!
i will be running a canyon a few times a week in the early mornings starting this week.
i have been cooking healthy meals. let's break that down: i've been cooking. WIN. healthy. WIN. meals, emphasis on it being plural. WIN.
summer is in full swing, which means life is in full swing... this means working a lot and spending time with loved ones when i can. it also means paying off loans. eeks.
27.5.12
24.5.12
21.5.12
not always
i helped the feller and his roommate move on saturday and sunday
twenty plus hours of packing, cleaning, more packing and more cleaning. lots of music and ridiculous statements/jokes. complete exhaustion. food breaks (i.e. sandwiches, pho, ice cream sandwiches, vanilla filled pandas, barbecue chips, orange chicken and rice). jacuzzi time. finally cable and internet and planet earth: incredible families. snuggling and quick signs of affection between lifting, organizing, and scrubbing.
i've never helped anyone move before like this. i'm sore for goodness sake. and i can't calculate the number of bruises i've accumulated over two days. but it was so much fun.
and i am excited for the future. for moving out. for moving in. for eventually living with people other than my parents. for grocery shopping, dish washing, and bills. yes, even bills. for small experiences i will capture with my holga, given to me about a year ago from the feller.
we will not always be young.
but while we are younglet's set this world on fire.
i had to do that.
ahem.
but while we are young i resolve to enjoy and be thankful for every ride in a uhaul, every cheap and filling dinner, every dog that playfully attacks me, every hug and kiss, every deep gaze, every every every.
p.s. their new place has windows, long open windows. natural light galore. my favorite.
twenty plus hours of packing, cleaning, more packing and more cleaning. lots of music and ridiculous statements/jokes. complete exhaustion. food breaks (i.e. sandwiches, pho, ice cream sandwiches, vanilla filled pandas, barbecue chips, orange chicken and rice). jacuzzi time. finally cable and internet and planet earth: incredible families. snuggling and quick signs of affection between lifting, organizing, and scrubbing.
i've never helped anyone move before like this. i'm sore for goodness sake. and i can't calculate the number of bruises i've accumulated over two days. but it was so much fun.
and i am excited for the future. for moving out. for moving in. for eventually living with people other than my parents. for grocery shopping, dish washing, and bills. yes, even bills. for small experiences i will capture with my holga, given to me about a year ago from the feller.
we will not always be young.
but while we are young
i had to do that.
ahem.
but while we are young i resolve to enjoy and be thankful for every ride in a uhaul, every cheap and filling dinner, every dog that playfully attacks me, every hug and kiss, every deep gaze, every every every.
p.s. their new place has windows, long open windows. natural light galore. my favorite.
19.5.12
i graduated.
two weeks ago today i graduated.
and as i said here, it was a different experience than most. for example, i didn't have groups of people to take pictures with before or after baccalaurette and graduation. i had family. and the feller, who also graduated. and his family. and a handful of friends. but it didn't bother me like i thought i would. i know why things are like they are. and i can accept my blunders and be thankful for the strong pillars of support and generosity i have surrounded myself with. they are wonderful people.
the evening before, i sat with the feller crying. thankful for my school and the four years spent there. but feeling as if the whole experience was compromised - what did i accomplish? who have i become? i said to him i am the same, nothing has changed. of course, that is a limited, dreary outlook. but i still become ill with insecurity about my body. i still tremble at preposterous assumptions and suspicions. i still worry worry worry. and i told him it's taking too long. it's tiring. it's hard. change will never happen.
we talked. and sat. and cried. concluding that He is faithful to complete the work He started in me, in us. that change comes slowly. but that change has come (hello, look at the last year!). and that change will come because He is able to turn a heart of stone into a heart of flesh. that, in the words of thomas merton, an apple ripens by sitting in the sun. that perseverance is of utmost importance. we concluded that there are good things to look forward to even if we must pass through the threshold of fear and doubt.
vulnerability is a brilliant opportunity to expose oneself as they are.
and though i hate it at times (who likes to be seen as they are? sometimes we are monstrous, hideous, broken creatures.), i am thankful for this intimate sharing.
sharing words. sharing tears. and pressing our lips against the salt and sorrow, against each others' tan taut faces.
yes, vulnerability is a brilliant opportunity.
two weeks ago today i graduated.
and i am a different girl from four years go.
and i am a different girl from even last year.
and He is faithful.
and as i said here, it was a different experience than most. for example, i didn't have groups of people to take pictures with before or after baccalaurette and graduation. i had family. and the feller, who also graduated. and his family. and a handful of friends. but it didn't bother me like i thought i would. i know why things are like they are. and i can accept my blunders and be thankful for the strong pillars of support and generosity i have surrounded myself with. they are wonderful people.
the evening before, i sat with the feller crying. thankful for my school and the four years spent there. but feeling as if the whole experience was compromised - what did i accomplish? who have i become? i said to him i am the same, nothing has changed. of course, that is a limited, dreary outlook. but i still become ill with insecurity about my body. i still tremble at preposterous assumptions and suspicions. i still worry worry worry. and i told him it's taking too long. it's tiring. it's hard. change will never happen.
we talked. and sat. and cried. concluding that He is faithful to complete the work He started in me, in us. that change comes slowly. but that change has come (hello, look at the last year!). and that change will come because He is able to turn a heart of stone into a heart of flesh. that, in the words of thomas merton, an apple ripens by sitting in the sun. that perseverance is of utmost importance. we concluded that there are good things to look forward to even if we must pass through the threshold of fear and doubt.
vulnerability is a brilliant opportunity to expose oneself as they are.
and though i hate it at times (who likes to be seen as they are? sometimes we are monstrous, hideous, broken creatures.), i am thankful for this intimate sharing.
sharing words. sharing tears. and pressing our lips against the salt and sorrow, against each others' tan taut faces.
yes, vulnerability is a brilliant opportunity.
two weeks ago today i graduated.
and i am a different girl from four years go.
and i am a different girl from even last year.
and He is faithful.
psalm 126:3
the Lord had done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
niv
p.s. pictures to come.
4.5.12
confess
"no, it isn't easy living with hearts like ours: let us confess it."
-carlo caretto, the God who comes
3.5.12
mystery of mysteries!
this morning i am reminded of how much my heart desires oneness with Christ,
how my heart delights in simple devotion to this King and Friend.
it thirsts for Him.
i know that imagery is used ad naseum,
but His word is life to me.
it doesn't just give life, it is life.
and while i need this Sustainer to be my strength, my rock, and my help in time of need (hello, it's finals week!) He is so much more than a fulfillment to my need. He is so much more than a therapeautic idea.
He can be known. mystery of mysteries! He can be known.
my heart's cry for oneness, for closeness, for knowing can be heard even in the midst of my exhaustion and anxities.
and my heart, deprave as it is, not only needs Him but longs for Him.
how my heart delights in simple devotion to this King and Friend.
it thirsts for Him.
i know that imagery is used ad naseum,
but His word is life to me.
it doesn't just give life, it is life.
and while i need this Sustainer to be my strength, my rock, and my help in time of need (hello, it's finals week!) He is so much more than a fulfillment to my need. He is so much more than a therapeautic idea.
He can be known. mystery of mysteries! He can be known.
my heart's cry for oneness, for closeness, for knowing can be heard even in the midst of my exhaustion and anxities.
and my heart, deprave as it is, not only needs Him but longs for Him.
30.4.12
and i trust.
and before i start to type and memorize and type more,
i am anxious about life after graduation.
not because i won't have a job, because i will.
not because i won't have a place to live, because i will.
but because of all the uncertainties that change brings -
remember eleven months ago?
my life completely shifted.
you have no idea.
did things turn out wonderfully?
yes.
but it's that same shifting that my stomach is in knots about.
i won't have school to schedule life around.
and for someone who indulges in a full planner,
it's frightening.
and for someone who likes certainty,
it's worrisome.
and so i look to the One who i know,
the One who knows me.
and i trust.
trust trust trust.
i am anxious about life after graduation.
not because i won't have a job, because i will.
not because i won't have a place to live, because i will.
but because of all the uncertainties that change brings -
remember eleven months ago?
my life completely shifted.
you have no idea.
did things turn out wonderfully?
yes.
but it's that same shifting that my stomach is in knots about.
i won't have school to schedule life around.
and for someone who indulges in a full planner,
it's frightening.
and for someone who likes certainty,
it's worrisome.
click ^.
and so i look to the One who i know,
the One who knows me.
and i trust.
trust trust trust.
matthew 6:34
therefore do not worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will worry about itself.
each day has enough trouble of its own.
niv
so don't worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will bring its own worries.
today's trouble is enough for today.
nlt
so no worry bout tomorrow,
cuz tomorrow get plenny fo worry bout.
every day get nuf trouble fo dat day.
hawai'i pidgin
p.s. the last one is fantastic. sometimes hard to dicipher, but fantastic.
finals week
my last finals week of undergraduate career equates:
seven finals and a portfolio/exit interview
three today
one tomorrow + work
one wednesday
two thursday + baccalaurete practice
and finish the porfolio/exit interview somewhere in there.
oh gosh.
but on saturday?
i graduate.
and i must must must be thankful for this unique period in my life consisting of early mornings and study guides and last minute choir concerts and seven hours in the MIDI lab.
i will never know this again - this time from eighteen to twenty-two.
seven finals and a portfolio/exit interview
three today
one tomorrow + work
one wednesday
two thursday + baccalaurete practice
and finish the porfolio/exit interview somewhere in there.
oh gosh.
but on saturday?
i graduate.
and i must must must be thankful for this unique period in my life consisting of early mornings and study guides and last minute choir concerts and seven hours in the MIDI lab.
i will never know this again - this time from eighteen to twenty-two.
27.4.12
i stink
sometimes i must say to myself,
in the face of distraction and wanting to know:
just stop caring.
mind your business.
live your own life.
i have a feeling this will be my most difficult lesson to learn -
as evidence by the years it's taken for me to even say those things to myself.
i stink at learning it.
in the face of distraction and wanting to know:
just stop caring.
mind your business.
live your own life.
i have a feeling this will be my most difficult lesson to learn -
as evidence by the years it's taken for me to even say those things to myself.
i stink at learning it.
26.4.12
, but gosh
today has been wonderful.
had a small bout of anxiety to push through.
but wonderful.
the sky took my breath away all day long. even now, as i look through my doorway and out my window... wow.
clouds, though they usually mean oncoming rain or a chilly day, are my favorite.
and now,
i must start something.
ahem.
i mean finish something:
worldview paper. my projected number of total pages? forty.
eeks.
i'm close, but gosh it's a lot.
i saw this today on [pinterest]*:
i can relate.
off i go.
*ew. the feller calls it a den of comparison. i wholeheartedly agree. but sometimes it's not so bad.
had a small bout of anxiety to push through.
but wonderful.
the sky took my breath away all day long. even now, as i look through my doorway and out my window... wow.
clouds, though they usually mean oncoming rain or a chilly day, are my favorite.
and now,
i must start something.
ahem.
i mean finish something:
worldview paper. my projected number of total pages? forty.
eeks.
i'm close, but gosh it's a lot.
i saw this today on [pinterest]*:
i can relate.
off i go.
*ew. the feller calls it a den of comparison. i wholeheartedly agree. but sometimes it's not so bad.
with the confidence
a week from now i will be taking my last final of my undergraduate career.
there is still so much to be done.
so much.
but i've decided to care for myself.
to let the quiet on the inside grow.
to focus on the task at hand.
to sleep a good amount of sleep.
to avoid some social media.
to rest my voice.
to spend an hour or two daily with friends, family, and the feller.
to wake up early instead of going to bed late.
to take things one day at a time.
i think my graduation experience varies from the majority of people here at school.
for the past four years i lived my life mostly outside this campus and community.
i had other communities, other friends, other ways to spend my time.
and while i've gleaned much from my professors, i didn't develop friendships with them outside of a coffee here or there.
i went to school for classes, not friendships.
and not until recently did i begin to subtly change how i approach this all.
especially on choir tour.
that being said, i'm not sure how to approach this graduation experience.
i still, after so many years of feeling this way, see myself as an outsider in some ways.
and wonder if i create that boundary, if that's inherently a bad thing -
being an observer and not particpator.
more reflection on this later.
today the quiet in me swelled under a grey sky.*
sleeping more than usual, with the confidence that an assignment turned in late won't affect my grade.
wearing kick-back clothes and no make up, with the confidence that i am beautiful apart from high waisted shorts and colored lips.
driving in the silence, with the confidence that i need more silence in my life.
walking an empty campus, with the confidence that i am impacting these children's lives.
and while waiting for children to be dropped off at 6:45 am.
there is always a lull after i clock in and before the first one arives.
and i always, to-do list aside, dedicate this time to the Lord.
because He is deserving and because it aligns my soul in everywhich way.
i began reading through psalm 121 this morning.
(the one that has been made into songs again and again and again).
and took solace in my Helper - the Maker of heaven and earth.
and took delight in this watchful One, this One who cares enough to stay awake, alert, engaged.
today will be a good day.
much to do tonight after classes and work.
but good nonetheless.
*i am painting my bathroom grey soon. next week, i'm sure. thinking about it makes my heart glow.
*i am painting my bathroom grey soon. next week, i'm sure. thinking about it makes my heart glow.
23.4.12
keeps living
waking up at three thirty isn't so bad when you went to bed at around nine pm.
did you know the birds are awake at this hour?
the world keeps living while i am sleeping and typing.
and while i may feel uneasy about this at times, it is encouraging to know that the world does not hang on my attention to it. that i am, as important as i'd like to believe that i am, not all that important. well, at least not in the sense that i keep the world going.
just a thought at 5 in the morning before i shower and eat and type more.
17.4.12
helps me
dustin o'halloran helps me do homework.
simple piano fingering.
swelling strings.
ethereal background noise.
yup.
it helps ease this massive headache.
it helps focus this tired, sleepy girl.
did i mention i have three more weeks until graduation?
15.4.12
bahhhh.
right now, i do not want to do homework.
i want to
paint.
go on a walk outside with the feller.
read.
do my eyebrows.
clean.
sit in silence.
write.
make something.
do laundry.
sing.
make a fruity dessert.
anything but homework.
three
more
weeks.
bahhhh.
graduation come soon!
but not too soon.
but soon enough so i don't collapse under due dates.
this weekend was crazy.
rollercoaster much?
such is life when people are broken and messy and are looking for protection, security, and peace in dark dark places.
today i sang in my last spring concert. so much truth in our repetoire.
more on this later.
tomorrow i'm not washing my hair.
this is the advice i get from choir people.
let's hope it doesn't look too dirty.
there is so much to say.
so much i want to write about:
tour - the characters, the communities and places i touched, smelt, and listened to.
stories for stories sake.
not forsaking the Rock.
health issues.
the power of God in the face of darkness.
yadayadayada...
i think this post, having no point and zigzagging every which way, is my pitiful attempt to avoid homework.
eeks.
i want to
paint.
go on a walk outside with the feller.
read.
do my eyebrows.
clean.
sit in silence.
write.
make something.
do laundry.
sing.
make a fruity dessert.
anything but homework.
three
more
weeks.
bahhhh.
graduation come soon!
but not too soon.
but soon enough so i don't collapse under due dates.
this weekend was crazy.
rollercoaster much?
such is life when people are broken and messy and are looking for protection, security, and peace in dark dark places.
today i sang in my last spring concert. so much truth in our repetoire.
tomorrow i'm not washing my hair.
this is the advice i get from choir people.
let's hope it doesn't look too dirty.
there is so much to say.
so much i want to write about:
tour - the characters, the communities and places i touched, smelt, and listened to.
stories for stories sake.
not forsaking the Rock.
health issues.
the power of God in the face of darkness.
yadayadayada...
i think this post, having no point and zigzagging every which way, is my pitiful attempt to avoid homework.
eeks.
13.4.12
even my soul is wet.
did you know that this month is national poetry month?
i want to write. in color and sideways on paper without lines. in black and white on screens with fonts much more legible than my own. i want to write. feelings. not just about feelings. but to completely encompass and write out the feeling itself - in all of its vibrancy, in all of its melancholy. i think this is why the romantic period is my favorite period in music history. the feelings aren't explained or deconstructed - they are experienced.
here is a poem for today, and probably this month (because this month i graduate and there is not much time for poetry, or posting poetry, when one is graduating):
the library at my school reminded me with this poster.
fact: i love watercolors.
here is a poem for today, and probably this month (because this month i graduate and there is not much time for poetry, or posting poetry, when one is graduating):
Here I love you.
In the dark pines the wind disentangles itself.
The moon glows like phosphorous on the vagrant waters.
Days, all one kind, go chasing each other.
The snow unfurls in dancing figures.
A silver gull slips down from the west.
Sometimes a sail. High, high stars.
Oh the black cross of a ship.
Alone.
Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.
Far away the sea sounds and resounds.
This is a port.
Here I love you.
Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among these cold things.
Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival.
I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.
The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.
My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.
I love what I do not have. You are so far.
My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.
But night comes and starts to sing to me.
The moon turns its clockwork dream.
The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.
And as I love you, the pines in the wind
want to sing your name with their leaves of wire.
In the dark pines the wind disentangles itself.
The moon glows like phosphorous on the vagrant waters.
Days, all one kind, go chasing each other.
The snow unfurls in dancing figures.
A silver gull slips down from the west.
Sometimes a sail. High, high stars.
Oh the black cross of a ship.
Alone.
Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.
Far away the sea sounds and resounds.
This is a port.
Here I love you.
Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among these cold things.
Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival.
I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.
The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.
My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.
I love what I do not have. You are so far.
My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.
But night comes and starts to sing to me.
The moon turns its clockwork dream.
The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.
And as I love you, the pines in the wind
want to sing your name with their leaves of wire.
Pablo Neruda
9.4.12
in the middle
this morning as i write my concert report, i am listening to Bruch's Concerto No. 1 in G Minor for Violin and Orchestra, Op. 26.
the soaring emotion evoked from the violin is breathtaking.
the lines sing themselves.
the phrasing pulls and releases; all passion and vigor, known well to the heart of any man or woman who has encountered longing and contentment and felt the terrible inevitable tension in the middle.
it is all drama and richness - the two victors of the Romantic period's war against the obsessive concern with form and concise expression that swept through the prior century. intellectualism left no room for tension in the middle.
le sigh.
is it strange to say that i have a sort of infatuation with the tension in the middle?
that i indulge the tension, for the sake of the tension?
that i relish in every ascending line, slow crescendo, and hanging fermata?
i do.
i do i do i do.
p.s. the picture above is a daguerre, entitled "dioramanea". he is a romantic painter - all drama and richness. i love it.
4.4.12
myself.
day two of feeling incredibly myself.
wake up at 6.
oatmeal with the feller at 6:30.
work on MIDI project 7-8.
class 8-10.
finish MIDI project 10-11.
class 11-12:30.
lunch/grad fest 12:30-1.
class 1-4.
group project meeting 4-6.
and right before the meeting started, finding my keys were locked in my car. this hasn't happened in so long. i've followed my professors advice the past year and a half or so and would check to make sure my keys were in my hands before i shut the door to my car. and if it weren't for the stack of text books, notebooks, and other miscellaneous items i was holding i would have caught this. but i didn't. and i didn't worry either. i just worked on my project. with my group. however, i was assisted after the group meeting by three boys and a hanger. my keys were pulled with force out of the small crack i left open for fresh air. enough force to frighten me and threaten their lives if they broke my window. they did it and i said thank you and we laughed at how ghetto* we all were. i went home in slight traffic. some people mind traffic. and if i have a place to be at, i suppose i do - in varying degrees - as well. but with no place to go but home and nothing to do but homework i enjoy slower drives. to think. to drink water. to be alone. to turn the radio on and off, switching stations, cds and finally deciding on silence. always, silence. (well, not always. most days. but not always.) to roll down all the windows or none depending on how quickly i get goosebumps.
now homework.
at the end of this month
i
will
be
graduating.
what a relief.
what an accomplishment.
*and when i say ghetto... i mean mexican. because i am mexican. and the person who suggested the hanger idea? mexican. the other two weren't. but they knew how mexican the whole situation was. as did the people walking by, giving us skeptical looks as we folded a hanger and wedged it through a small crack.
wake up at 6.
oatmeal with the feller at 6:30.
work on MIDI project 7-8.
class 8-10.
finish MIDI project 10-11.
class 11-12:30.
lunch/grad fest 12:30-1.
class 1-4.
group project meeting 4-6.
and right before the meeting started, finding my keys were locked in my car. this hasn't happened in so long. i've followed my professors advice the past year and a half or so and would check to make sure my keys were in my hands before i shut the door to my car. and if it weren't for the stack of text books, notebooks, and other miscellaneous items i was holding i would have caught this. but i didn't. and i didn't worry either. i just worked on my project. with my group. however, i was assisted after the group meeting by three boys and a hanger. my keys were pulled with force out of the small crack i left open for fresh air. enough force to frighten me and threaten their lives if they broke my window. they did it and i said thank you and we laughed at how ghetto* we all were. i went home in slight traffic. some people mind traffic. and if i have a place to be at, i suppose i do - in varying degrees - as well. but with no place to go but home and nothing to do but homework i enjoy slower drives. to think. to drink water. to be alone. to turn the radio on and off, switching stations, cds and finally deciding on silence. always, silence. (well, not always. most days. but not always.) to roll down all the windows or none depending on how quickly i get goosebumps.
now homework.
at the end of this month
i
will
be
graduating.
what a relief.
what an accomplishment.
*and when i say ghetto... i mean mexican. because i am mexican. and the person who suggested the hanger idea? mexican. the other two weren't. but they knew how mexican the whole situation was. as did the people walking by, giving us skeptical looks as we folded a hanger and wedged it through a small crack.
3.4.12
so delighted.
today i felt fully myself.
those kinds of days are more frequent than a year ago, for that i am thankful.
as of late i have been listening to soundtracks from musicals.
duh.
specifically chicago, jekyll and hide, and phantom of the opera.
i will see chicago this summer.
with the feller and the roommate/his girlfriend we don't often hang out with.
how exciting!
i think i want to perform in a musical after i graduate.
sometime within the first year, maybe next spring.
the ensemble is enough to satisfy me - i just love the music, the movement, the stories, the expressions...
all of it.
four weeks until i graduate.
eeks!
today is good.
mother just called me down for dinner.
chicken.. rice pilaf... need i say more?
then off to school and a night spent in costa mesa.
acting, recording music, reading and writing.
and sleeping on a floor that isn't mine but one i've grown to love.
today is good, did i mention that?
also, i love my life.
and the professors who help me untangle things.
and the professors who offer to help the feller and i untangle things.
love works through things. for the joy set before it.
love is not about a winner or a loser (though it is so easy to divide into camps and declare war instead of serving, sacrificing, and prefering the other, instead of sitting in front of eachother, hands held, tears rolling, lives committed, working with eachother).
love perseveres.
and persevere, we will.*
sigh.
i am so delighted with my lot.
*love does and is many other things. and while i may know them, i desire to learn through life experiences and the demands of relationships. it will be hard work. but if these past months have been an indicator of anything... it's that all of the hard work is worth it. all of it.
as of late i have been listening to soundtracks from musicals.
duh.
specifically chicago, jekyll and hide, and phantom of the opera.
i will see chicago this summer.
with the feller and the roommate/his girlfriend we don't often hang out with.
how exciting!
i think i want to perform in a musical after i graduate.
sometime within the first year, maybe next spring.
the ensemble is enough to satisfy me - i just love the music, the movement, the stories, the expressions...
all of it.
four weeks until i graduate.
eeks!
today is good.
mother just called me down for dinner.
chicken.. rice pilaf... need i say more?
then off to school and a night spent in costa mesa.
acting, recording music, reading and writing.
and sleeping on a floor that isn't mine but one i've grown to love.
today is good, did i mention that?
also, i love my life.
and the professors who help me untangle things.
and the professors who offer to help the feller and i untangle things.
love works through things. for the joy set before it.
love is not about a winner or a loser (though it is so easy to divide into camps and declare war instead of serving, sacrificing, and prefering the other, instead of sitting in front of eachother, hands held, tears rolling, lives committed, working with eachother).
love perseveres.
and persevere, we will.*
sigh.
i am so delighted with my lot.
*love does and is many other things. and while i may know them, i desire to learn through life experiences and the demands of relationships. it will be hard work. but if these past months have been an indicator of anything... it's that all of the hard work is worth it. all of it.
27.3.12
26.3.12
spent
the drive home was all nausea and headache.
it was tiredness and dismay.
it was fury and fraility.
the demands of these last five weeks intimidate me.
school, work, internship.
relationships with family and friends.
and the looming decisions i must make, though i feel pressed and pressured and backed into a corner by the loved and the loathed.
i feel as though the loved and loathed have determined to dismantle what little rest and peace i have right now in my busy, busy life by questioning me (desiring only my submission) and having me reevaluate and restate my reasoning until i feel as if my very reasoning is no more than the unbalanced, delirious logic of an equally unbalanced delirious young woman.
i am spent.
i feel the quiet fracturing of my will.
my patience.
my wonder.
my stamina.
my passion.
my trust.
in all of my undone-ness i slipped out of today's apparel and into my sister's eighth grade basketball sweats and the feller's t-shirt. i borrow clothes. i keep the clothes i borrow. within five minutes underneath white sheets and watercolored comforter, i fell asleep. heavy, deep, and deserved. and while i am no more made up than i was before the nap, i have the advantage of a more rested body.
the fracturing is still there.
some things are too difficult for me to do.
some things i just refuse to do or further discuss.
and in my ungraceful collapse under the difficulty of situations and my own refusal to comply to the wishes of the loved and the loathed,
i am spent.
it was tiredness and dismay.
it was fury and fraility.
the demands of these last five weeks intimidate me.
school, work, internship.
relationships with family and friends.
and the looming decisions i must make, though i feel pressed and pressured and backed into a corner by the loved and the loathed.
i feel as though the loved and loathed have determined to dismantle what little rest and peace i have right now in my busy, busy life by questioning me (desiring only my submission) and having me reevaluate and restate my reasoning until i feel as if my very reasoning is no more than the unbalanced, delirious logic of an equally unbalanced delirious young woman.
i am spent.
i feel the quiet fracturing of my will.
my patience.
my wonder.
my stamina.
my passion.
my trust.
in all of my undone-ness i slipped out of today's apparel and into my sister's eighth grade basketball sweats and the feller's t-shirt. i borrow clothes. i keep the clothes i borrow. within five minutes underneath white sheets and watercolored comforter, i fell asleep. heavy, deep, and deserved. and while i am no more made up than i was before the nap, i have the advantage of a more rested body.
the fracturing is still there.
some things are too difficult for me to do.
some things i just refuse to do or further discuss.
and in my ungraceful collapse under the difficulty of situations and my own refusal to comply to the wishes of the loved and the loathed,
i am spent.
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