patient.

He is making me aware of areas i need to work on.

which means, i now have the responsibility to work on these areas.

but i don't want to.

oh well. He's here.

with me. patient.

He won't relent until He has all of me.

He is a jealous God. but He won't push Himself on us either.

so He waits.

as we distract ourselves and are stubborn. and are too broken to let go.

and are too scared to sit still.

i see myself in a field. playing with grass. unable to look into His eyes. fidgeting with plants. tying them together. pulling them out of their earthy homes. digging my fingers into the hill i sit on. but i see Him sitting there. waiting. silent. eyes that burn with love. passionate. they scare me. it scares me to be so loved. to be so unclothed and hideous. and beautiful. but dangerously self-destructive. in small ways. in quiet ways. He is looking on me. not turning His eyes to the left or to the right. He is looking at me. endlessly patient. but grieving my choice to hold on with white knuckles to my ways and thoughts. He waits for me to trust His transformative goodness. but it hurts to be made free. this i am sure of. but His love is sustaining. and healing. and sufficient. He is El-Shaddai. the one who is sufficient for all the needs of His people. and He calls me His. this promise is for me. because He is for me.

but i'm still in that field. not trusting yet. well, not completely.

and my eyes still cannot look at His for long.

so He waits.

and i am grateful.

sampled of summer

today i didn't wear a sweater or a cardigan.

today i wore pants, without leggings underneath.

today i sampled of summer beneath the leaves. and beneath the leaves, their transparent and waxy cuticles gleaming, were branches. strong branches and lovely branches. thick ones and thin ones. supporting the weighty beauty above. extending an infrastructure so intricate and purposeful. and so unseen. unless one lays beneath the leaves. and if i were to follow the black ants down the highways i would find an equally impressive organization of limbs underneath. the wonder we behold daily is bursting with the sacred.

today i am thinking of the anatomy of a tree.

and the importance of branches. roots. trunks.

uncannily similar

i've been sick for a week now. and i've decided, i don't like it one bit.

last time i was this sick, i was in seventh grade. for that i am thankful. that is about eight years of "not-so-bad" health with the random cold here or there.

that was the year i started shaving my legs. they weren't particularly hairy. but when i was younger, my sister (now dear friend) commented that i had werewolf legs. we were in the laundromat because we lived in apartments. and my feet didn't quite touch the groud yet because i was little. my shoe laces were dirty. and my face was pudgy. but i was so cute. chances are she was just becoming aware of her feminine attributes, her being five years older than me, and was making a quick, observational statement. no hurt feelings intended.

but in seventh grade it seemed important to shave my legs. my mother was staunchly against this. so like any pre-pubescent young lady i defied her and proceeded to watch dark sprouts cover my bare, naked legs over the next few days. but all of this is beside the point.

sometime that year we were studying sickness and the bodies response to it. and it was so ironic, studying viruses and bacteria for a week in bed. losing fifteen pounds. hating the way everything tasted. disappointed i wasn't in class taking notes. drinking gatorade.

it is the third week of this semester. and i am recovering. still. i have taken medicine everyday. and accidently took three times too much robitussin once. when you are awfully tired teaspoon and tablespoon look uncannily similar. and my mother drugged me so i could get a good nights sleep! i love her. but, my goodness, she is a criminal now. i've missed two days of school and one day of work. this is all necessary. the rest is necessary if i desire to be better. so i rest in Him. and am made whole by His peace. and am convicted by His love. and am drawn by His unique mercy and grace.

p.s. in seventh grade i got braces. i also got contacts. what a year.

p.s.s. though it wasn't so beautifully crafted, this post serves at an attempt to start blogging regularly again. and an attempt to put off homework for just fifteen more minutes. i am so good.

for days off

thankful for

my twenty (almost twenty one) year old body -

the miracle of ligaments and muscle fibers

and numberless blood cells rushing through veins and arteries.

the earth and seeds that take root,

vegetables and fruits that are harvested

by honest men in the heat of day

for a wage.

a mother who still stresses the importance of a clean room.

for martin luther king jr.

for dreams, big and small,

borne of the tension,

the tight space where truth is spoken about but not yet realized.

for days off when your body is sick.

today is such a beautiful day.

it's january and in the seventies.

only in southern california.

every detail is His joy

oh, to know my shepherds voice.

to know Your gentle leadership.

perfect in all its ways.

He takes the time to lead me. the high and lofty Yahweh guides me.

He never slumbers or sleeps. my failings do not make Him drowsy.

or bored. or fed up.

He watches over me, every detail is His joy.

there is no peace for a heart that is divided.

i choose complete obedience.

Your commandments sustain me.

you see what i don't see.

you know what i don't know.

good good shepherd.

and i will know the quiet waters and rich, green pastures.

and i will know restortation.

and i will be led in paths of righteousness for His names sake.

this is my confidence, this is the truth i feed on:

that You are faithful and good.

so ready

tonight at twelve i will be on my way to redding california. for a conference that i've been wanting to go to for three years now. those leading worship for the conference have accompanied me on my way to school. to work. they have helped me open wide my heart. they have given me words to the emotions that are hopelessly incommunicable. they have shown me what freedom looks like.

i am so ready for this year.

and for every obstacle and opportunity it presents.

it's gonna be so good.

:)

more aware

right now i am focusing on myself.

so dissatisfying.

headache inducing.

i am becoming more aware of my selfishness.

beyond cure.

normally falling asleep is easy. effortless.

the closing of my eyelids is my escape.

where i need not think or process the stuff that i ought to.

it is so difficult sometimes to discern what one is to do.

or to say.

the heart is deceitful above all things.

it is beyond cure. who can understand it?

and i mislead myself. all. the. time.

i have faults that i am not aware of.

my heart hides and disguises destruction so well.

but no one likes to discover their brokenness.

especially if they have convinced themselves that all was right and good.

and whole.

i hate that i cannot understand myself the way others understand themselves.

sometimes i am overwhelmed with pure assurance. sheer security.

but it is a vapor.

and i cry.

but most of the time i stop myself.

but right now i can't.

and it's this hollow unproductive sadness and disappointment.

with no resolution in sight.

it's just that i am so broken.

and don't even know where to start.

i am so glad He came. and i know He is present. and real. and alive.

and abounding in love and mercy.

but i don't even know where to start.

He comes with light.

and i desire an outbreak of this very light in my thinking.

in the movings of my heart.

to expose the things hid. the things quivering with fright.

that they would be made visible. so that my true nature i can see.

and so that this kind Savior, who remembers that i am dust, may quiet my stammering and stuttering anxieties with love. a love that i do not understand and feel unworthy to receive.

but he calls me beloved.

worth love.

i am so glad He came.

even though i am scared. and broken.

i am so glad He came.

because He makes all things new. and whole.

good news. good news.

this is my joy. my song in the night.

i am so glad He came.

dsjfao;wegprgj

my sister and her husband are here.

for ten days.

and i'm going to jesusculture conference in january.

dsjfao;wegjprgj

and today i am going christmas shopping.

it's a tad late but i don't have many people to shop for.

(the adults in my family pick names because there are just too many of us.)

annnddddd i'm feeling rather crafty as of late.

cutting up old books.

::gasp::

*

excitement!

*thank you google images.

ponies

[conditioner del caballo. i.e. horse conditioner]

[safe for human use]

[taken at:

my home with my ever so lovely mac

my church's music/media department's christmas get together]

my sister patty, who currently lives with me - along with her two wonderful children, buys shampoos, conditioners, body washes, lotions, perfumes, body sprays, etc. in excess.

i never understood the need for more than

one shampoo,

one conditioner

and one body wash.

plus it makes navigating in the shower dangerous for the clumsy and cumbersome.

i admit that i am both.

and that i've slipped on a bottle or two.

however,

i do benefit from her splurges.

not only do i not have to worry when one bottle runs out

but i also get to take pictures with them*.

:)

*especially when i have a sweater that happens to match them.

eeks!

i officially finished the fall semester of my junior year this past thursday.

this means time to be creative.

lots of adventures.

christmas get togethers.

family (specifically: my sister and her hubby coming down for a bit).

decorating.

loving on people.

just all around goodness!

cheers to a lovely fall semester.

and my sociology final that ushered in christmas break.

i am so thankful for

time, valuable time.

that escapes me all too quickly.

it is already eight:forty this tuesday night.

and the seconds are dying.

right.

now.

thank you lord for time.

give me grace and wisdom to use it as you desire,

because it's really not mine to begin with.

big sigh

after a beautiful and loud day with family (thanksgiving),

i have spent the majority of the day alone.

working on a resume in photoshop. listening to music. reading. planning.

and it's only seven pm.

i have two weeks of school left - this includes finals week.

then i shall be on break.

::big sigh::

i cannot wait!

retaliating.

my body is retaliating against me.

itchy eyes.

cankersores.

stuffy nose.

hives.

headaches.

:(

p.s. this blog was a hott mess.

i sleep with my head at the foot of the bed. some things are better the opposite way.

i woke up by myself this morning. an hour before my alarm.

rested.

no desire to dig my head underneath my blankets. no resistance to the rising sun.

i woke up cold. like when you press your bare skin against icy glass.

crisp, chilling. cold.

i need to turn on the heater at night. even though turning it on scares me because it drys out my vocal folds. but i'm not a fan of waking up frozen. where to compromise...

my voice is tired. and it may be the changing of seasons. and the allergies. and the post nasal drip. and the general lack of sleep and increase in talking.

fact: i need to drink more water, breathe in steam, &&& sinus rinse the night away.

fact: i need to do a lot more things too, but i'll stick with the small things for now. :)

taking care of oneself is a discipline. you must find yourself worthy of care and time, valuable. you need to step back and recognize the many ways you abuse your mind and body. the way you neglect your soul. and you need to stop beating yourself over the head for taking some alone time*. because self care is not selfish. it's smart. and equips you for all the other things you need to do. and.... you're worth it!

fact: i'm sick of being burnt out. who wants to be burnt out by age twenty? not me. and i'm choosing against this.

*painting. reading. vegging on the couch. praying. hanging out with friends. singing. blogging.

p.s. this blog was a hott mess. forgiveness granted?

tis the season.

everyone* is ignoring their blogs as of late.

and apologizing for doing so to their very dedicated readers.

so for those readers who might still be sticking around or checking this forsaken thought space with a desperate hope that i will write another word.

i apologize.

but i mostly apologize to myself. because writing is [insert beautiful metaphor here that communicates how expressing the deep things i feel by stitching letters together is refreshing and beneficial to my soul].

tis the season for school to pick up its pace and busy schedules.

and so as everyone** checks in with blogdom to inform all, far and near (because we are all nearer than we think), they are still here, i say:

i'm here.

and alive.

and changing.

and experiencing freedom.

which is both painful and rewarding.

* i understand some people will always blog on a consistent basis. and that this is a broad generalization. but sometimes one must cut out things that take up too much time, regardless the pleasure and creativity and wonder these things encourage. too many lists to sort through.

** again with the broad generalizations.

p.s. this post has no picture or video. i know. and i also know this may mean i am a bad blogger. but i already apologized. so we can overlook that, right?

shut up long enough

as of late, in all this busyness, fear has made itself a presence.

a very loud and demanding presence.

and i don't know how to make it shut up long enough for Peace to rush into the lowest parts of me.

quiet my heart with Your love.

call out to the turmoil ''be still.''

make me lie down in green pastures.

above understanding, though i desire it.

above direction and wisdom, though i need it.

i long for You to rush in.

i know You are willing.

so come.

green like limes.

i want to sit outside.

thick mug. floating tea bags.

your face through steam.

cold breath and stars in your eyes.

grassy breeze. green like limes.

springtime at night. winter lingers.

creaking bench beneath the moon.

without pretense. to just be.

every flower

i'm taking time to smell the flowers.

every flower i see.

well, not every flower i see.

but you know what i mean.

and i love her art.

before i was conceived

yes, life is feeling new.

but can i reiterate how newness is so scary.

because it might mean a complete uprooting. and what scares me the most is the possible death of another expectation. a new expectation. because i've been grieving and sifting through the loss of a previous expectation for quite some time now. i can't handle another one. you see, my expectations are linked to huge life things. (though, this might be the crux of the problem. putting things like marriage. ministry. career. all, simultaneously in one single expectation.)

but if i'm not meant to be there with those people. and i'm not to meant to be here with you - you, who have already established exclusively tight knitted relationships with others - then where do i belong? where does my connectedness begin?

and this is why i am so thankful i can put these words in my mouth.

and soon enough in my heart.

" my soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.

he alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, i will never be shaken.

...

find rest, o my soul, in God alone;

my hope comes from him.

he alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, i will not be shaken.

my salvation and my honor depend on God;

he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

trust in him at all times, o people;

pour out your hearts to him,

for God is our refuge.

selah

...

one thing God has spoken,

two things have i heard:

that you, o God, are strong,

and that you, o lord, are loving."

psalm 62:1-2, 5-8, 11-12

p.s. i normally hate it when people skip around a passage of scripture, only picking out certain parts that they like. but these are just parts that stuck out to me. and they are true. firm foundations. a refuge built before i was conceived. a refuge waiting for me enter in.

settle in your stomach.

life is new again.

it is like when you drink cold water and you can feel it travel down your esophagus and settle in your stomach.

unbelievably satisfying.