thought i knew

dear children-who-i-can't-even-put-a-face-to,

when you read this, know that i didn't always expect to have children. especially right now at this moment. right now must be spent falling head over heels in love with my Beloved who is fairer than ten thousand. when you read this, know that i didn't always want to make you grilled cheese sandwiches or ice cream sundaes. when you read this, know that i didn't always anticipate your "how come's" and "why not's." when you read this, know that thinking about you so far in advance is painful. because there was a time when i had everything planned out. the library i want for you. the dimples i hope you inherit. the music room i will sing with you in. the nightmares that i can kiss away. the colorful finger paintings i will proudly stick on the fridge. the squeals of excitement as i push you higher and higher on the swings. the picnics we will have on freshly cut grass. and right now i don't have any of that planned out. and it's scary. because for so long i thought i knew. but that thought slipped through my fingers like the ribbon of balloons. and now i am unsure.

but when you read this, know that the most important thing to me at age nineteen is getting a hold of who God says i am - and believing it. and living it.

and when you read this, know that i am so thankful that you are reading this.

sincerely,

your mother who at nineteen is so unsure of the future but is rooting herself in a high, wide, deep, long everlasting love.