horribly honest

i ask the question of friendships once more. in lieu of recent happenings, or lack there of, i have realized that the relationships i desperately want are just not there right now. and it's okay. because i would rather wait than give myself, my story, my secrets to flighty friends, ones who display gross amounts of selfishness, ones who share, generously, the issues confided in them with others, ones who are immature and exclusive. such behavior sickens me. i will be there for these people. i will listen and encourage.

but give them myself, i will not.

i remember loneliness. loneliness was the blanket that covered me most mornings. most evenings. most in betweens. i used to hold it tightly not too long ago. for years i think. no, i know. sometimes it appears on the edge of my bed. in the backseat of my car. when things get frighteningly overwhelming. when i feel rejected. excluded. replaced. not good enough to laugh with. not good enough to share time with. not good enough. and in my teenage angst i grew bitter towards these people who showed me with their actions that i was not good enough to call up and make plans with. that i was not worth a twenty second phonecall. a five word text message. and they, the bane of my existence, knew nothing of this bitterness. because i hid it well. and smiled. and made jokes when they would let me. yes, i accepted this. and i hated them for it. and you can see the cycle. yes, this cycle that i sometimes surrender to even now. and everything in this cycle hinges on hiding everything.

let us face the truth here and now. let us be direct with each other. horribly honest. we were not made to hold in this junk. to hide all of this muck behind our eyes, glazed with false joy. life is beautiful. and equally ugly. and the friendships we commit ourselves in must consider this truth. they must take into account that we need to be candid with one another. and we need to leave room for others to be candid. uncontrived, unrehearsed friendship. that is what i want. and it's okay if it takes time. i've got time. time to spare. :)

and my stomach is aching with hunger.

i shall be merry and eat!

happy labor day. (is that what they say today? i do hope so.)